Version 2:
Sessia sat on the ground and laughed when her daughter tackled her from behind. Jalaya’s two long fingers hooked under each of Sessia’s large shoulder scales and the claws of her stubby feet dug in at her waist. Jalaya was only two seasons old but her grip was strong and Sessia wondered how much trouble she would be once she had all of her fingers.
She rose and spun around. Jalaya shrieked in pleasure while other villagers in the grotto watched in amusement. There wasn’t much to do now, not until the hunters returned. Then the duskers would have to be bled and skinned, their meat divvied up and preserved. Carving was Sessia’s responsibility and she was good at it. By the time the meat got to her the guts and blood were gone. She just had to keep her cuts even and against the grain so the meat would be tender.
***
I thought rather than having such a static opening that I'd have something going on. It also gives me the opportunity to describe the aliens in more detail. In the next paragraph, there is a strange noise and the green rain starts to fall.
So which opening do you prefer? Is the introduction of the aliens enough to carry you to the third paragraph where the odd rain starts or do you want the strange occurrence right up front?
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited March 09, 2010).]
If you stick with Sessia, I think you'd make us fear the green rain as you could show us more of Sessia's fear that her daughter would dart out into the gunk and you'd also give us tension because we wouldn't know what the child might do next.
If you stick with Jalaya, you could provide more of a sense of innocent wonder towards the goop while hinting that the mother knows there is something wrong with the rain.
Finally, I don't know what a farker's tooth is, but I feel like that should have been the first line. Yep, you'd be starting with a weather report, but it would be an interesting, integral, intense weather report.
quote:
Sessia held her daughter close in her arms Although I suppose technically there is nothing wrong with this line it is somewhat distracting. Like it should be Close to her chest or tightly in her armas they huddled'huddled' is implied by the image of her holding her daughter so you could easily turn this into an oportunity to create another image, like taking shelter or something along those lines. inside the entry of their grotto. Jalaya was only two seasons old and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t go out and play in the strange, pungent rain.They watched as little green droplets fell toward the ground but then stopped and exploded a farker’s tooth from hitting it. this line really didn't seem to make sense especially the clause after and "exploded a farkers' tooth from hitting it"?there is some subject verb disagreement there, to me The resulting mist swirled around the village momentarily sticking to everything and then slithering away.this, as a metaphor didn't work for me personally. I have a hard time visualising mist sticking, but not so much as slithering away. I might recomend, dissapating or something along those lines. As the rain continued its bizarre dance Sessia tried not to shudder. She didn’t want her daughter to know how scared she was. This line could be focused more. by chosing more effective nouns, you might make your sentences more striking, IE. "She disguised her fear from her daughter."
Jalaya squirmed, her rough brown hand reaching for something. A little black gutterboo crawled along the rock wall
I really like the scene and glimpse of a fantastic world that you have created. I really like the style of writing you have posted here so far. I want to point out something that I have noticed in your writing. Please don't take this the wrong way because the reason I noticed it in yours is because Bent Tree pointed it in my writing.
Like me, I think that you try too hard sometimes to paint with metaphores. Most of the time I think they are great, but it seems one in five doesn't ring true. I kinda had my feelings hurt when Bent pointed it out to me, though he wasn't the first really, just the first to give me some advice on how to remedy the problem. Since then I have been trying to focus on building more with short effective, and descriptive sentences, rather than purple painting with metaphors.
I really am not comfortable rewriting other peoples work. but
for example:
quote:
They watched as little green droplets [i]fell toward the ground
Tiny green droplets fell groundward, but exploded into...
that may not be the best example, but I have been brainwashing myself with this while editing my work.
"Short concise sentences. Crisp verbs and nouns. Choose the right noun. When I see an adverb, I go back to find a better verb. Short and forward moving ideas."
I hope I haven't crossed a line here. I usually try not to get personal, or change other peoples work too much. It is just that I really like your writing, and I thought the advice might help you, the way it has helped me. There seems to have been alot of feelers getting hurt around here and the last thing I want to do is be a cause of that.
I will look at this one for you if you want. My boyfriend went up into the mountains to visit his tribe so I am all alone for a few days. I could use a project.
~Finn
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited March 07, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited March 07, 2010).]
quote:
Sessia held her daughter close [in her arms<--[Not necessary.] as they huddled inside the entry of their grotto. Jalaya was only two seasons old and [she<--[Cut, IMHO.] didn’t understand why she couldn’t go out and play in the strange, [pungent<--What does it stink like: rotten eggs? manure? rotten caggage? rotten meat? Stagnat water?] rain. They watched as [little<--I'd picture droplets as "little", but if they were "human-sized" of "little, human-sized", I'd need to know.] green droplets fell [toward the ground but then stopped and<--Cool concept. but this sentence can be simplified to: but] exploded a farker’s tooth from hitting [it<-->the ground]. The resulting mist swirled around the village momentarily sticking to everything and then slithering away.<--[This is a tough concept. I didn't even get the chance to conceive of the "resulting mist" before it animates.] As the rain continued its bizarre dance[,] Sessia [tried not to shudder<--find a stronger verb]. She didn’t want her daughter to know how scared she was. [I have a problem with te child not understand the dangers of explosions. Most kids are scared of thunder and lightning, why wouldn't they fear this?]Jalaya squirmed, her rough brown hand reaching for something.[If "something" is a "little black gutterboo" just come out and say that.] A little black gutterboo crawled along the rock wall
With the suggested changes:
quote:
Sessia held her daughter close as they huddled inside the entry of their grotto. Jalaya was only two seasons old and didn’t understand why she couldn’t go out and play in the strange, rotten-caggage-scented rain. They watched as green droplets fell, exploding a farker’s tooth above the ground. The particles formed a mist, which swirled around the village and clung to everything before slithering away. As the rain continued its bizarre dance, Sessia stiffened. She didn’t want her daughter to know how scared she was.Jalaya squirmed, and reached for a little black gutterboo, which crawled along the rock wall.
1) I can see that Sessia is clearly the only PoV, and that everything noticed is with her impressions.
2) Expoding rain is, in itself, a speculative element, so you have the genre covered.
3) I love that the rain is also associated with a smell.
Now, What's missing:
1) Reaction to fear. No "hearts racing" or "hands sweating" or the equivalent.
2) Why the rain is strange. Are they new to this planet (their grotto)? Or is the rain new?
3) Why you mention that Jalaya's hand is brown. If there race is brown, it wouldn't stand out in their thoughts. I don't think about my daughter's caucasian skin. Now, if there is a big, red welt or a pink area that looks infected...well, on brown skin, the colors would be different (a little) and might help that get across.
4) Why they are here (in an unfamiliar place). Are they being hunted? Did their ship crash? Are they being invaded? All of these set conflict in motion.
What you have is enough for me to read on.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 07, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 08, 2010).]
quote:
I want to point out something that I have noticed in your writing. Please don't take this the wrong way because the reason I noticed it in yours is because Bent Tree pointed it in my writing.Like me, I think that you try too hard sometimes to paint with metaphores. Most of the time I think they are great, but it seems one in five doesn't ring true.
Now, I'm not intending to start an argument, but it's not so much that metaphors don't ring-true. It's more about knowing the market your selling to. Speculative Fiction readers tend to take things literally. I read about a rain that went from something dead and rotten, exploded and became animate. If that's not what she intended, she used metaphors too soon, or the wrong metaphors. We don't know enough about her world to know when something is literal, metaphoric or allegoric.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 07, 2010).]
I would like to clarify what I intended with the droplets and the mist even though it is obvious that I missed the mark with my description.
The droplets fall, then stop a short distance from the ground, hovering above it and then explode into a fine mist. This mist is viscous and moves around the village and over surfaces after which it slides out into the space beyond the village and dissipates/disappears.
Honestly, I didn't intend any of it as metaphor. It was supposed to be pretty straightforward description. I will work on it as it's obvious that I have not painted the most accurate picture.
And the work is in it's very early stages so I may simplify that description for clarity. Phobos, thanks for the offer to read but it's going to be awhile before it's done.
Again, thanks for all of the input.
quote:
The droplets fall, then stop a short distance from the ground, hovering above it and then explode into a fine mist. This mist is viscous and moves around the village and over surfaces after which it slides out into the space beyond the village and dissipates/disappears.
Very cool. In fact, I think this is the coolest speculative event I have read in a while.
quote:
Honestly, I didn't intend any of it as metaphor. It was supposed to be pretty straightforward description. I will work on it as it's obvious that I have not painted the most accurate picture.
To clarify, I didn't read that passage as a metaphor, it was the slithering mist I saw as a metaphor. This is where I may have overstepped my bounds. I was looking at your work holistically, recalling the prose you have submitted to this forum in the recent past. I fear I may have created some confusion. I apologize. Forget everything I said except the last little quote of my editing mantra.
Sometimes I talk too much.
Lastly, the phrasing with "two seasons old" stopped me for a moment. Usually this sort of phrasing is used with a specific season (two summers old etc) because assuming a setup similar to earth's each season is relatively short. Now maybe theres a different system at play here, but without knowing that, it sounded odd to the ears of my mind.
Other than these easily fixable things, I liked the writing itself and the idea of the rain is quite intriguing.
Why not keep most of the description as simple as your summary, with a few of IB's key specific details added in? I like the set up.
Nick
1. You've gone from almost zero description of your characters to an awful lot. Enough to be clumsy, in my estimation. It feels awkward to be told all of this in one big gulp.
2. divvied up is a pretty casual term, when the rest of the language has been relatively formal and straightforward. divided up perhaps?
3. The extra detail about Sessia's job in the harvesting-process (no guts, cut against the grain) seem extraneous as well. They are non-integral to the story (as far as I can see, you might know otherwise) and are taking up space. They also don't add much color to the culture of your characters. Men hunt, women harvest. It's common enough to not need the extra details.
Would I read further to get to the rain? *sigh* Yeah, I probably would. There's enough here to keep me reading, but just barely. Still no immediacy. Not much sense of character. I'm not the audience for an alien story, generally speaking. And, having read your first version as well, I would have difficulty suspending my disbelief long enough to discover what the rain actually was. However, that said, this opening (or a hybrid of the two, but with a good dose of caffeine added) could make me buy in for another page or two.
There it is. The story's not for me, but it's obviously doing something for others. Target your (eventual) markets pretty specifically, perhaps.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited March 09, 2010).]