Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Alchemist's Gambit [first 13]

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Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Alright, here are the first 13 of my current WIP right of the batch. I would really appreciate hints/comments.

1st VERSION:
Vincent ran, but he couldn’t escape the night. His lungs were full with moist night air, his breaths hot and ragged. He was desperately searching for an inn, a place where he could hide but all he saw were barred windows and shut doors.
Darkness crept into the streets of London, and the mist started to spread, like a gauzy curtain reducing the lights of the gas lamps to blurry blotches. The mist swirled and danced, its ghastly tendrils seeping from the alleys like dreary paints on a canvas. Soon the Revenants would rise – soon it would be too late. Vincent was alone, and the Revenants would sense the scent of his warm, living flesh and come to take his life. None of the urchins sleeping on the streets survived the night – they were easy prey.

2nd VERSION
Vincent ran, but he couldn’t escape the night. Moist night air filled his lungs, his breath hot and ragged. He desperately searched for a place to hide, his eyes darting from one barred window to the heavy locks on the doors. Darkness crept into the streets of London, and tendrils of mist seeped from the alleys spreading into a gauzy curtain that reduced the light from the gas lamps to blurry blotches. Soon the Revenants would rise – then it would be too late. Vincent was alone, and the Revenants would sense the scent of his warm, living flesh and come to feast upon him. Urchins sleeping in the streets never survived the nights – they were easy prey. The reek of wet earth and decay wound up Vincent’s nostrils and his bowels turned to water. It was the stench of walking dead.

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited April 01, 2010).]

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

My only comment on the first 13 is that you may be repeating a little more than is necessary.

I'll give it a read when you're ready.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Foste,
Pretty good start, the tension and the speculative element are put right up front. Is there are a good recent Vincent isn’t named until quite late in the 1st 13? I’m happy to read when it's ready.
Regards,
Nick
Minor queries below:

quote:
Vincent ran, but he couldn’t escape the night

I know what you’re trying to say here, but it’s a little confusing. I’d probably cut the bolded section and let the helplessness of his situation come out as the 1st 13 progresses.

quote:

[quote] His lungs were full with moist night air, his breaths hot and ragged.

Slightly passive phrasing and I’m not sure the sub-clause reads correctly (though I could be corrected here)…how about “Moist night air filled his lungs, his breathing hot and ragged.”?

quote:
He was desperately searching for an inn, a place where he could hide but all he saw were barred windows and shut doors.

Passive, slightly wordy and a touch of distancing, how about something like:
“He desperately searched for a place to hide, but there was nothing but barred windows and shut doors.”

quote:
Darkness crept…

Isn’t already night? This implies that it’s growing dark (i.e. twilight), not already dark.

quote:
…the mist started to spread, like a gauzy curtain reducing the lights of the gas lamps to blurry blotches. The mist swirled and danced, its ghastly tendrils seeping from the alleys like dreary paints on a canvas.

I’m not sure the opening can sustain two similes so close in succession. Out of the two, I like the first one better as I’m not sure the second one is an apt comparison. I also might change and/or trim the first one to a metaphor, just to avoid the same rhythm in two successive sentences, i.e. “The mist spread, a gauzy curtain reducing the gas lamps to blurry blotches.”

Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :

further Nick T.s thought you might try:

Tendrils of mist seeped from the alleys spreading into a gauzy curtain that reduced the light from the gas lamps to blurry blotches.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited April 01, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited April 05, 2010).]

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

quote:
He was desperately searching for an inn, a place where he could hide but all he saw were barred windows and shut doors.
Passive, slightly wordy and a touch of distancing, how about something like:
“He desperately searched for a place to hide, but there was nothing but barred windows and shut doors.”

Describing a character seeing something, and having the character see it is a tricky difference. It's the "cinematic" difference.

I struggle with this constantly so seeing it written out like this is great.

As for my input, I'll say I liked the 13 very much. Very vivid.
Oh, and one thing regarding the Urchins, you say "survived" the night. That's past tense meaning it's no longer night.
Plus, how often to the Revenants come out? If often, would there still be Urchins to kill?

Axe

Posted by Wum (Member # 9054) on :

Foste:

Loved the imagery here. Great use of language in key spots. Below are my other comments:

Vincent ran, but he couldn’t escape the night. (This could be more desperate. For example maybe you begin with the next sentence?)

His lungs were full with moist night air, his breaths hot and ragged.(Too passive. Listen to the difference: "His lungs were filled vs. his lungs filled with...)

He was desperately searching for an inn, a place where he could hide but all he saw were barred windows and shut doors.(Suggest finding an active verb to replace desperately. For example: "His eyes darted from one barred window to the heavy locks on the doors but there was no room at the inn.")

Darkness crept into the streets of London, and the mist started to spread, like a gauzy curtain reducing the lights of the gas lamps to blurry blotches. (We already know it's dark. Love the "gauzy curtain.")

The mist swirled and danced, its ghastly tendrils seeping from the alleys like dreary paints on a canvas. (Ghastly? Maybe ghostly?)

Soon the Revenants would rise – soon (Maybe delete the second "soon" and replace it with it with "then")would be too late.

Vincent was alone, and the Revenants would sense the scent of his warm, living flesh (Love this)

and come to take his life. (Too passive here. Make them ravenous. They would "hunt him down" to feed on him!)

None of the urchins sleeping on the streets survived the night – they were easy prey. (Maybe your POV sees the salughter? "Vicent recoiled at the chewy remains of the urchins--they were easy prey--sound sleepers.")

I like the first 13 and I particularly like your imagery and would keep reading once you tweak it a bit.

Good Luck,
Wum

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Gee, thank you for the feedback guys!

@Axe

The Revenants come at night, and it's been happening quite some time in the story but their prey is not yet depleted.

I most gratefully accepted some of your changes, and in the process a new line bumped into the first 13.

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited April 01, 2010).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

It's an in media res opening. Why this moment? He's trying to find sanctuary, but why has he ended up in this situation? You are going to have to explain this at some point, so you may not have started at the beginning of the story.

The misty, gaslit (=Victorian?) London streets feels like a setting I've seen too many times before.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Send it to me.