Fobnobble Stumbleduck trained the barrel down the firing range, aiming it squarely at a loaf of bread set at the far end. The gnome wrapped a metallic finger around the trigger with practiced caution. He rested it there for a moment and then squeezed, squinting through thick goggles. Magical effects gathered, drawing power into the gun, mixing with mundane chemical effects that leaked into the gun from canisters precariously welded onto the sides. The whole thing shuddered, shook, and then lightning erupted from the barrel, arcing across the range and blasting the loaf of bread nearly into nothing. Charred bits exploded against the wall. Fobnobble raised his goggles, revealing spectacles with exchangeable lenses hanging onto the sides for dear life, and peered down.
I feel like this is too slow, but wanted other opinions. Thanks.
Posted by MistWolf (Member # 9049) on :
For me, it stumbled at the word "barrel". I thought Fobnobble was aiming a wooden barrel down a plank before letting it roll.
I like the idea that the weapon doesn't go off immediately and that it shudders & shakes before firing. But the sentence describing the gather of effects also stumbles.
I like the feel and voice. You've got something here
[This message has been edited by MistWolf (edited April 04, 2010).]
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
1) I like the voice overall, and the mixing of magic and ordinary chemistry works for me, as well.
2) I stumbled over his name - maybe you should refrain from giving us his entire name as the very beginning of the story. Fobnobble by itself would be a bit easier.
3) Not sure what "a metallic finger" is. It could be just tinted from all the contact with metal, or he could be wearing some sort of guard to protect his trigger finger, or his finger could be a metallic prothesis, the result of not being cautious during earlier experiments with the gun. I need some clarification.
4) For me it is not too slow. It feels like you are introducing a character to us, showing us his normal day, and then sometime soon (a page or 2?) something will change.
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
My problem with it is sequencing, for example, usually you would sight before pressing the trigger, if squinting after pressing it is designed to show the weapon is different fine, but seemed odd to me.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
I like this a lot.
It's got a very strong World of Warcraft feel to it however. I'm not sure if it would sell based on that, but if they take fan fic or ever have a contest this sure fits the bill, and is a great beginning.
Axe
Posted by Symphonyofnames (Member # 8283) on :
Fair comments, thank you all.
I think my main concern was that it didn't get the readers attached to the character, but from what I'm hearing, that's not a problem. Am I right?
The stumbling is on purpose; the character has a stumbly thought process. Metallic finger was supposed to indicate that his right arm is made of metal and grafted on, I gather that needs to be clearer.
Barrel can be clarified.
The sequencing is also on purpose. This character fires then aims. Does it appear that that is characteristic design or just poor writing on my part?