Last years leaves skittered across the brittle winter grass, freeze dried remnants of another summer come and gone; crispy castanets shaken by a fierce wind that funneled between two tree covered ridges, roared down the narrow valley road, strafing pastures and fields and empty garden plots in a savage single minded torrent. The gusty twilight was deepening quickly to night, as Lara Sutton shoved hard at the old barn doors, forcing them together before dropping the wrought iron beam into its vertical wooden supports. Though the doors bucked and shuddered, the beam held fast. The horses were safe for the night, even if the horses themselves didn't seem all that convinced, their anxious whinnies rising to tangle with the demented twilight opus.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Last years leaves skittered across the brittle winter grass, freeze dried remnants of another summer come and gone; crispy castanets shaken by a fierce wind that funneled between two tree covered ridges, roared down the narrow valley road, strafing pastures and fields and empty garden plots in a savage single minded torrent. The gusty twilight was deepening quickly to night, as Lara Sutton shoved hard at the old barn doors, forcing them together before dropping the wrought iron beam into its vertical wooden supports. Though the doors bucked and shuddered, the beam held fast. The horses were safe for the night, even if the horses themselves didn't seem all that convinced, their anxious whinnies rising to tangle with the demented twilight opus.
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This is, in my opinion, a little purple in places.
A little poetry in your prose can go a long way...
1st line, 1st part up to the semi-colon: I like.
1st Line, from the semi-colon: The wind feels a little over-done to me, a little purple. It doesn't seem to match the skittering leaves of the first line. Also you have a redundancy on the leaf descriptions (crispy castanets--freeze dried remnants--last year's leaves).
(very long sentence BTW)
2nd Paragraph line, 1st line: '...gusty twilight.' Not sure that works for me, but that may just be me.
2nd paragraph, 2nd line: No problems.
2nd paragraph, 3rd line: Starts well. I would suggest a a semi colon instead of a comma between 'convinced' and 'their'--of course you would need to change the verb 'rising' to 'rose'. Still getting rid of -ing verbs is considered by some to be be a good thing.
The last section (clause) is, for me, too purple.
Would I read on? Doubtful. A storm brewing (?), horses whinnying...I have seen it before. I'd see if the next story (of the anthology/magazine/slush pile) had anything that grabbed me more immediately--perhaps with a more unique start.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 19, 2010).]
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Been a while since i done this, so forgive me if it makes no sense at all.
The writing seems a little over-the-top, purplish prose, something of which I have been known to do from time to time. And the first sentence was never ending.
I would suggest cutting it down, Spend a sentence on the weather, maybe two, but move on. This accomplishes a couple things, if done correctly allowing the reader to feel the weather and the sense of urgency or concern, right now, with the wordiness, I am feeling the opposite of a storm brewing but feeling kind of lethargic, does make sense? Also, cutting it back a little and sharpening it up, will allow you to get further into the story in the first 13, allowing use to feel for the MC.
I don't mind the starting place, per say, as, horses tend to be really good at sensing we humans miss.
