Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Regn, the Well, and the Raven -- Fantasy

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Posted by WetherbyOwl (Member # 4967) on :

This is the opening from a story I finished a few days ago. It's 21,000 words. I'd like to hear how the 13 work, if it hooks you, and I'm also curious if any of you are interested in reading the rest. Enjoy!

New Version

Varor kept his gaze on the floor as he bowed. “Countess Edur? There is a man at the gate who says he knows you.” From the corner of his eye, Varor saw the Countess stand.
“Did he give his name?” she asked.
Varor shook his head. “No, my lady. He said only that he was seeking Edur.”
The Countess waved her hand, and Varor straightened, though he kept his head bowed.
“Edur?” she asked, “not Lady Edur, or Countess Edur?”
“No, my lady. Just Edur.”
“Hmm…He is either of very high rank, or very poor manners.”
“Or, perhaps he is a friend, my lady?” Varor offered.
“Friends do not conceal their identities.” The Countess smoothed her dress.

Old Version

Varor bowed. “Lady Edur? There is a man at the gate who says he knows you.” From the corner of his eye, Varor saw the Countess stand.
“Did he give his name?” she asked.
Varor shook his head. “No, my lady. He said only that he was seeking Edur.”
The Countess waved her hand, and Varor straightened, though he kept his head bowed.
“Edur?” she asked, “not Lady Edur, or Countess Edur?”
“No, my lady. Just Edur.”
“Hmm…He is either of very high rank, or very poor manners.”
“Or, perhaps he is a friend, my lady?” Varor offered.
“Friends do not conceal their identities.” The Countess smoothed her dress.

[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited May 02, 2010).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like the opening and the hook for me is the last line.

I was confused as to why Varor saw the Countess stand from the corner of his eye. Wouldn't he be facing her? Also it took me a minute to figure out that the Countess and Lady Edur were the same person.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Generally, this is pretty good, there’s a nice hook in the Countess’ last line. I’d read on.

If you’re deep in 3rd person POV, then Lady Edur’s name should be consistent with whatever comes naturally to Varor. Initially, I read the “corner of his eye” without problem, but once I tried to reconsider it without the filtering phrase of “Varor saw”, I picked up Satate’s problem. It’s not clear that Varor isn’t looking at her and with/without filtering phrases such as “he saw”, I think you need to make this clear.

I’d get a bit deeper into the POV by removing some of the filtering. My personal preference is to also have Varor bowing to the Countess as the first action so it’s perfectly clear who is involved in the scene (though it becomes clear quickly anyway).

Finally, I think you can cut the “hmmm…” from the dialogue without losing much.

With these minor nits, the first few lines become something like the following:

quote:
Varor bowed to Lady Edur. “Lady Edur? There is a man at the gate who says he knows you.” Though he kept his head bowed, he watched her from the corner of his eye. Lady Edur stood.

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I've got an embarrassing fact to throw out before I give my thoughts on both the work and the other reviews. For several summers right after high school, I worked as a lady of the court at the Colorado Renaissance Festival. (Yes, I'm a nerd.) Which is why I had no problem with "Countess" vs. "Lady" (they are interchangable in my opinion) and I could totally understand why Varor saw the Countess out of the corner of his eye. You do a lot of bowing and curtsying to higher ups when you work at the Ren Faire. So this makes sense to me. Would it make sense if I didn't have these experiences behind me? I don't know. But it does, and I like it for that very fact. It's the kind of writing that makes a seventeen year old girl want to dress up in a corset for 8 weekends each summer and talk in a very bad british accent.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It is good etiquette to face someone as you bow to them, therefore I would imagine that the servant would not see her move from the corner of his eye as he looked at the floor, but from his central upper peripheral vision. Obviously there is no neat word for this place.

I would simply have him glance up for a second as she stands--he is a servant and a movement may be a command (a wave), so I would imagine he would look when he spots movement.. Is it important he is ultra-compliant? Is she someone to fear?

Besides he he notices her smooth her dress despite still looking at the floor. He also notes her wave to stand despite STILL looking at the floor and she is no doubt harder to see now she stands (more out of his view). It is fine to keep the head bowed a little while maintaining some eye contact if directly addressing a master or mistress--especially if you are a senior servant.

Have you considered giving him a little more leeway with his eyes?

His behaviour mildly contradicts his dialogue. He makes suggestions which would be considered far more impertinent than looking at her on occasion. Speaking out of line is saying you are equal--that kind of servant would have permission to speak/act relatively freely, I would have thought.

Is he a slave, perhaps.

The prose is smooth. The hook is slender and delicate; without the prose it wouldn't be enough. A stranger at the door has been done many times, but I would read on as the prose is easy on the mind.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 03, 2010).]