quote:
The Boston Times, editorial page July 24th, 2009.
…a disputed will, an incompetent cryonics lab; not what baseball’s greatest hitter deserved. The only good thing to this sorry affair is ‘The Kid’ will never know what happened to him after his death. I can’t imagine what old Ted would have thought of his head, frozen and in a vat, suffering such abuses. If, by chance, he is ever revived by a future generation, may they show him the respect that his body (and head) didn’t receive.Ted Williams opened his eyes and saw spots. He was lying on his back and at complete loss of where he was and how he got there.
Was I just beaned? He didn’t recall taking a baseball to the head. He blinked a few times. Through the spots, a bright light shown from above with two silhouetted figures staring down
1. Is it a baseball story? It may limit its appeal--and saleability. Personally I would avoid stories about sports I know nothing about--mostly due to not understanding the terminology--both official and slang. It becomes hard work to read and continually guess..
That said, it's written and I'm not your demographic, so I'll shut up.
2. I think you can drop line two in the second paragraph. When someone wakes up I pretty much assume they are lying on their backs, especially as he thinks he was hit (beaned?) by a ball and two people peer down at him.
It's the waking cliche (despite the editorial bit)....but you knew that.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 13, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited May 13, 2010).]
The news article takes a bit of the story away from the first 13 so I am left with less than I would have liked on the Ted Williams awakening scene but it was enough to hook me. Though I have to admit it immediately makes me think of Futurama and the episodes with Ted Williams talking head in a jar.
quote:
Was I just beaned? He didn’t recall taking a baseball to the head. He blinked a few times. Through the spots, a bright light shown from above with two silhouetted figures staring down
My only issue is the thought Was I just beaned? Ted Williams was an old man when he died years removed from baseball. If he was revived would that really be his first thought? Not, where is my wife or something non-baseball related?
Nice start though.
Just so you know...Ted Williams family really sent his body to a to be preserved and his head was removed in a cyronic lab (they made a mistake). The stories of what happened to him after he died is so odd that if I tried to write it, you would all claim that it was too outrageous (google Ted Williams frozen head). Once I read that, I had to write a story about it.
One other note, one of Ted's nicknames was 'The Kid'.
Thanks again everyone...
I'll have a look.
Nick
It's a good way to handle the "waking up" opening, I think, and establishes that in this instance, the waking moment really IS the "moment of change" that initiates events.
quote:
You may have significant trouble selling this if it deals with a real person whose relatives etc. are still alive.
Why? Mr Williams was a public figure, and he is dead. I have read plenty of fictional works with public figures, alive and dead. Anything written during the present I have taken from public record. As far as what happens to him in the future? Well, it is a matter of my perseption but I believe I have done a fair job on how old Ted would react with the obstacles I had him face.
I didn't say "don't write it", I was just offering up an intended-to-be-helpful warning that some editors may choose to pass up on a story that involves someone who died recently.
I agree that the next sentence should be dropped.
He was lying on his back and at complete loss of where he was and how he got there.
I don't care (yet) if he's on his back - we find that out shortly anyway, and it's obvious that he's at a loss by the way he reacts. You don't need to also tell us, when you've done a nice job of showing.
The "beaned" line is perfect. Non-baseball enthusiasts might not get it, but we're inside Ted here; HE would think of it this way. If you get resistance, this line could be coupled with a flash memory of a time when he was hit by a pitch, but that was months ago. Wasn't it? That would give additional context (but also added words).
Off to a nice start here.