You went to Linda's house again, didn't you? My husband asks me. Of course I did, I replied. She's been my best friend since we were children. I thought we agreed it would be better for you, for us, to begin limiting the time you and Linda spent together? It's not her fault, I mumbled. I can't end a lifelong friendship over something neither of us can control. I just don't like to see you hurt, my dear." I walked over to the mantle above the fireplace and picked up the small hourglass that sat on the far right-hand side. The base was made of mother-of-pearl and the sand inside radiated pure white.
The first 13 lines to a finished short story I wrote. I can email to anyone who would be willing to give me some feedback. I have sent it to several print and online publications and they all have rejected it, but with the standard form rejection I don't know what to improve about it, or if it's just plain bad.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:You went to Linda's house again, didn't you? My husband asks me.
Should this be in the past tense? The rest of the opening seems to be.
quote:Of course I did, I replied. She's been my best friend since we were children. I thought we agreed it would be better for you, for us, to begin limiting the time you and Linda spent together?
Is this a question?
quote:It's not her fault, I mumbled. I can't end a lifelong friendship over something neither of us can control. I just don't like to see you hurt, my dear." I walked over to the mantle above the fireplace and picked up the small hourglass that sat on the far right-hand side. The base was made of mother-of-pearl and the sand inside radiated pure white.
The comments above are nits, but probably important, especially in the first 13. You want to give a good impression on that first page.
Otherwise:
I don't yet see any hint of a speculative element. This could be mainstream for all I can tell right now. And I don't really see any conflict, here. More like mild disappointment. Based on that, my first impression is that you're not starting the story at the right place.
I'll read the whole thing if you're not in a terrible hurry.
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
I emailed it to you, thanks :-)
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
Oh, and I put fantasy but I suppose it's more speculative fiction. Also, the conflict isn't between the husband and wife, it's between the mother and her daughter who is about to die, which is the conflict introduced in essentially the next couple lines after the thirteenth.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Speculative fiction is a broad term that includes fantasy, science fiction and horror--provided that has something fantastical going on and isn't just serial killers on a day out.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 17, 2010).]
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
Thanks, Skadder. Then it's speculative fiction subcategory fantasy.
Thanks for the comments, keep them coming please!
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
The conversation is too vague to hook me. The dialogue itself is all right -- not amazing but what you would expect between a bickering couple -- but there's no context to ground it. After reading the first 13, I don't know enough about these people, or Linda, or why they're arguing over her, to keep me reading further. Dropping hints into the dialogue tags might help. My advice is to slow down the pacing and let us get to know your characters and what they're talking about as it's happening.
Good luck with this.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
quote:Also, the conflict isn't between the husband and wife, it's between the mother and her daughter who is about to die, which is the conflict introduced in essentially the next couple lines after the thirteenth.
Is there any reason you can't put it in the 1st 13? The conflict between husband and wife can come later.
Starting with dialogue is really tricky, because it has to do all the jobs that is normally done by an opening; description, context, conflict, etc. It can be done, but it's very difficult to do.
Anyway, I'll have a read.
Nick
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
Emailed it to you, Nick, thanks.
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
And being as new to this as I am, I just realized I emailed both of you my manuscript format copy complete with my address and phone number. /facepalm.
Thanks for the critiques so far guys. I appreciate it.
[This message has been edited by Aledari (edited May 17, 2010).]
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:And being as new to this as I am, I just realized I emailed both of you my manuscript format copy complete with my address and phone number. /facepalm. Thanks for the critiques so far guys. I appreciate it.
I do that all the time. If we're going to trust each other with our stories . . .
Posted by Aledari (Member # 9114) on :
Thanks Meredith! I was thinking, I'm hoping I didn't just break some taboo by doing that, lol.
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
Hi and welcome!
The dialog sounds fine but it doesn't have anything grounding it. It's the talking heads thing. There's two people talking and I don't know where they are until five lines in. It was hard to concentrate on what they were saying when I was wondering where they were. You could just add in some description in between the dialog. Something like:
"You went to Lina's house again, didn't you?" My husband folded his newspaper and set in on the couch next to him.
