They had been ignoring him all day. An unhealthy silence had permeated the room despite being filled to the brim with people. Sixteen of the smartest, most capable minds on the planet were hard at work monitoring and adjusting the chair but there wasn’t one among them whose stomach wasn't twisted with disgust.
It had been hours since they began, and after an exhaustive day there was a sense of relief bubbling up with the realization that they were only minutes from completion.
[This message has been edited by Icepick Jones (edited May 28, 2010).]
Cut it down, ratchet up the tension, and get this baby going.
Let me ask you this ... if I give you the next 4 lines, does it pique any interest or is it still too slow?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 27, 2010).]
You are allowed to repost and edited version of in fact a totally new start.
If you can't hook people in 13 lines then I would suggest you re-think your intro. Of course you may not wish to hook people within 13 lines--some don't.
Your intro is vague and has elements of witholding. The POV character knows what is going on but the author--you--is deliberately withholding this from the reader--me--in order to create a desire to read on. It doesn't work.
The POV is unclear.
-twisted with disgusted-?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 27, 2010).]
First off, decide what the POV of the story is actually going to be - if it's omni you can pop into Rvis' head, sure, but do so AFTER letting us know we're in omni. Then based on that POV give us a little more reason to care about what's happening - one of the things really lacking from the opening is a sense of personal investment, even Revis doesn't come across as especially emotional about the event. If no-one involved seems to care, why should a reader (though obviously you can make that lack of caring into a hook if you concentrate on it, but it's tricky).
I did seem to wander in my pov. I guess it's because I was trying to set up the scene without delving too much into exposition, and failing apparently.
The disconnect and apparent apathy on Revis' part was intentional though. Revis is in the process of being executed or something similar (I won't give away the whole story in case anyone cared) for his crimes but it doesn't bother him, meanwhile the people executing him are disgusted, maybe with what they have to do, but more so with just the nature of his crimes.
I thought the idea of someone being essentially prepped for a futuristic electric chair was as good a jumping on point as any. Execution seemed like a good hook to me but the setting isn't fully realized for a few paragraphs. I guess I was just hoping that the potential of someone being punished for a crime and their apparent ennui about it would be enough to draw a reader in and want to know more.
On paper it seems like a good event and starting plot point, I just struggle with "style" I guess. Flowery prose and forced exposition are like my pet peeves to end all pet peevs so I always seem to fall on the "less is more" side of things. Just isn't working out as of yet.
Anyway, beginning with an execution is a pretty good hook, (or attempted execution/whatever it is) the problem is that's not what you have written here. I have no clue what's going on, the whole time I was wondering if it was brain surgery, dental work, a spaceship launch, or something I've never heard of. For some reason execution wasn't on the list.
All I know is that some guy is sitting in a chair while sixteen of the smartest minds on the planet ignore him.
And yeah, it was supposed to be "disgust" as opposed to "disgusted," I altered that sentence from what it was as I posted it but didn't have the foresight to spell check.
Getting all this pertinent data in to the first 13 lines is tough, I mean the hooks are all in the story, plot wise, but the meat hits 10 lines past this. I've never focused on the first few sentences like this before, I've always thought in scenes and arcs. I guess I just decompress too much. It's like writing flash fiction and I don't kill enough of my darlings.
[This message has been edited by Icepick Jones (edited May 28, 2010).]
Just some idea's, I think if some of the kinks could be worked out, this could be a really good story.
There is a reason these specific people have to do "the execution" and there is a reason that it takes all day. There is a payoff of sorts. It's not really "an execution" either; I just paint it like it is something similar in the first page and a half. I kind of like that people aren't getting what's up though. At first I thought it was a negative, but in the context of the whole this actually might play into what it's all about, I just have to hook it more. I think I overestimated the draw of the "will it hurt?" as the opening line.
I'm going to take the part out about the scientists altogether though, it's an interesting caveat and comes back in the story later on, but on the whole of the story it's impact seems minimal. It's more of a theme related thing than a plot point.
Thanks to everyone for their comments and critiques.
For me at least, if you made it clear that he's being prepped for execution, but doesn't really care, it would definitely be interesting.
Personally I think a little more exposition would be good. I think the key lies in their disgust..let us know why they are disgusted and that may well, at the same time, let us know why he's there...that, I think, would get things going.
"Sixteen of the smartest, most capable minds on the planet were hard at work monitoring and adjusting the chair but there wasn’t one among them whose stomach wasn't twisted with disgust over the execution(or transmorgrification or whatever the heck it is)." We need some noun to eliminate the other possibilities.
Don't worry too much about packing everything into the first thirteen. All the first thirteen are is just a sample of what is to come. (If all that sample gives us is confusion then we don't want to read on.) It's good to think in scenes and arcs. We don't need everything up front, we just need to know what's going on.
I think that perhaps in your fear of flat exposition you are leaving out needed exposition.