Anyways, I'm submitting it to a contest coming up, and I thought I'd get some feedback before I send it out. The piece is somewhat experimental (Not your typical format).
Some of the initial hook is in the experimental vibe of the piece, and as I can't format it correctly it may not come across well here. Either way, I still want to hear your feedback. I truly need some feedback for the entire story, but obviously we all have other things to do. Anything you can help with is more than appreciated.
Also, I haven't done critiques here in a while, and for that I apologize. I promise to get back on track, now that I'm getting back into the groove of things.
Edit: Because I can't choose to align things to left, right, or center, the story doesn't have the correct format. Assume that the dashes are blanks. The first two lines are supposed to be centered. The last four, justified to the right.
----------Second 3:----------
----------I'm with Pam. The date is nine years ago. Josh is three.----------
“Look at him,” Pam whispered.
Josh snored from inside a bundle of blankets. Our baby boy.
“Isn’t he just perfect?” She said.
His hand clutched my finger like he used to do when he was a newborn. Golden blonde hair like his mother. Eyes like his Daddy.
“Yeah he is,” I said, then grabbed her hand. “And so are you.”
----------KITCHEN FLOOR.----------
--------------------My arms flail. What’s happening?
--------------------I look down.
--------------------Mustard on the floor.
--------------------I'm choking on a hotdog.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited May 28, 2010).]
Instead of the character just saying "I'm choking on a hotdog", consider describing the tightness in his throat or gasping for air that wouldn't come.
Hope this helps.
You're not really supposed to make sense of things immediately; it's supposed to feel a little bit chaotic. I'll have to tune it a bit to make more sense.
The character is just coming-to after a fall; I'll have to make that more apparent as well.
[This message has been edited by Sixbells (edited May 30, 2010).]
I like the mustard on the floor - nice detail that I hope helps to link the pieces eventually.
Have you tried Flash Me Magazine? Everyday Fiction?
The previous posters delt with issues around flailing arms. Perhaps the arms could be, hhmm, twitching? Feel heavy and not respond though he tries to move? I don't have a clue how the limbs respond during asphyxiation, but maybe they could still be part of the description of his disorientation upon coming to.
I agree that the phrase "choking on a hot dog" need not appear because the reader already has it from the title and they could make the connection from description.
I would have kept reading, but partly because I was wondering if there was something wrong with the kid,
Hope this helps.
Best of luck with this!
Even if there is confusion you need to have some kind of a hook other than the prospects of choking and retching.
It might be a tough task to do that and maintain the graphical style of your story in print. But it might be an exercise worth doing, especially since you got a decent response.
Sixbells, thanks for the comments. The connectedness of the sections doesn't really come until the next past-tense section; because it's flash fiction, and the present tense section is very brief, I feel it works. That does not, however, mean I am not looking at what you said and taking it into consideration! As for the physical part of things, I agree. I rewrote it a little bit to make things more clear, and hopefully feel a bit more realistic.
Steve, thanks for the comments. This piece is definitely very experimental, and only workable as flash (if even, at all). It's so interesting how stories can come across in so many different ways, to different people! I had never even thought my story could be seen the way you saw it (The protag transfering his consciousness into the baby). I think this issue might've been cleared up when I cleaned the wording up, but I'll have to check. As for those two markets you mentioned, I haven't tried them, and definitely will should it come back from this contest rejected. Thanks!
Ether, thank you for the comment. I could definitely see how it would come across like that. My newest version has a slight alteration on this, and hopefully takes care of the issue. As to the arm flailing issue -- I've altered a lot of the wording in the present tense portion of things -- To more correctly reflect the intensity of the scenario.
XD. Thanks for your response! This has definitely been an issue with this story. The way I have it set is somewhat of a style: That is, once you've seen how it works, it makes perfect sense, but until you've seen the first bit it really doesn't. Perhaps I need to find a better way to ease people in, but such a task is difficult, particularly when so much depends on the 'style'. That, however, is no excuse not to mess around with it and try!
KayTi, I think I agree with what you're saying here. While I am definitely taking everyone's comments into consideration, and have made several changes because of those comments, I think that perhaps this story needs to be seen as a whole to be correctly viewed.
Owasam. Thank you for your response. I agree that I haven't captured the beginning well enough. The story works well, in my opinion, because it 'flows'. The problem is that you don't get any of the flow at the start. Furthermore, flow isn't enough to keep a reader reading. (And perhaps I'm just silly, and it doesn't even have flow).