~Sheena
His name was Church, but he wasn’t a religious man. He lived his life without God or gold, for in Mithibia there could not be one without the other. Begging did no good, for as soon as a passerby saw that he was Unmarked, their purse would snap shut again and they would go hurriedly on their way. So Church had become a spiffer, which was Mithibian slang for thief. He stole only food, for the Unmarked fared no better at the stalls than they did at stirring pity. How he came to be Unmarked, or even how he came to be in so God-fearing a place, is a story that need not be told here, for we shall only follow him a little further - to the mist-shrouded docks along the Fway. There, his story will end. It will end in his death, in a manner both gruesome and inexplicable. And there my story begins.
I'll read when you finish it. You've got me hooked.
quote:
His name was Church, but he wasn’t a religious man. He lived his life without God or gold, for in Mithibia there could not be one without the other.
I like the irony of the name Church, however I’m not sure I understand living without gold? He doesn’t believe in money? Or doesn’t believe in the methods required in this world to get money?
quote:
Begging did no good, for as soon as a passerby saw that he was Unmarked, their purse would snap shut again and they would go hurriedly on their way.
Instead of Begging did no good, perhaps “Begging was a futile occupation for the unmarked etc” Also why would their purse snap shut again? Why not just snap shut, or rather than the action of the purse doing any kind of snapping focus more on the behaviour.
quote:
So Church had become a spiffer, which was Mithibian slang for thief. He stole only food, for the Unmarked fared no better at the stalls than they did at stirring pity.
quote:
How he came to be Unmarked, or even how he came to be in so God-fearing a place, is a story that need not be told here,
Maybe this is just me but you have set up the scene with an interesting world, with some nice hooks, the unmarked, a God fearing place which takes up most of the text, yet now towards the end you tell me the story is not about this, but another story, which is just briefly explained in a couple of lines. I wouldn’t read on, since I want to know about the unmarked and I don’t care enough about this character yet to really be shocked by his death, gruesome or not.
quote:
It will end in his death, in a manner both gruesome and inexplicable.
I feel this line is a little forced, telling me as a reader I should find his death both terrible and perplexing.
This is a mixed bag for me. I very much like the implied world building, but I probably wouldn't continue a story that tells me I'm not going to read about the interesting stuff I just read about. It comes across too much like background for a story (or novel) in that regard, or a random riff with an interesting voice. Where's the story hook?
Now, if you were to switch this around, to something like: "My story begins at the mist-shrouded docks along the Fway, with the gruesome and inexplicable death of a common spiffer named Church. He wasn't a religious man..."
Then, I might want to continue. You've hooked me and promised more, rather than hooking me and promising less.
Hope that helps.
Steve
I am officially a fan of your stuff. Consistently interesting, and with such a strong voice. You are gonna be one heck of a writer one day if you could only finish your stories.
Write it, write it till the end, and then sell it and go make your millions.
~Sheena
I'm sure we've all seen and read enough SF to know death is not necessarily the end of any particular character.
Axe
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited June 02, 2010).]
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.