Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Draught of Aging, fantasy, 11,800 words

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Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

I've been reading Nancy Kress' "Beginnings, Middles and Ends" and tried a revision of the first 13 with her advice in mind. Is it better or worse?

Revised version:

The queen rose up on her toes and whispered a suggestion in Donaldo’s ear. His cheeks heated, and he looked down the long palace corridor to make sure they were alone. “Your Majesty, I can’t – I mean, we can’t. If your husband finds out …”

Joyra arched an eyebrow. Her brilliant smile was one she had bestowed on many others but never before on him. “'Can’t' means nothing to me, as it should not to you, if you are a man. So are you, my young knight?” Without waiting for an answer, she put her smooth hand in his callused one, and off they ran.

Narrow windows lined one side of the hall. Paintings of battles, betrayals and epic loves decorated the other. A thin rug did little to muffle the tapping of Joyra’s shoes, and her dress and petticoat billowed out, exposing calves and ankles.

Version 1:

The queen rose up on her toes and whispered a suggestion in Donaldo’s ear. His cheeks heated, and he looked down the hall to make sure no one had come up unawares.

“Your Majesty, I can’t – I mean we can’t. It’s–”

Joyra raised an eyebrow and smiled, and his clumsy protests went straight out of his head. She laughed and took his hand. Sunlight spilled through the palace windows and cast patterns of light on the floor as they ran. A thin rug did little to muffle the echo of Joyra’s shoes. Her dress and petticoat flew up and out to expose pale calves and shapely ankles.

Donaldo stopped. He should not see the legs of the queen. He should not, in fact, be here at all. It was a betrayal of the worst kind against his liege lord.

[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited June 07, 2010).]

Posted by Sixbells (Member # 8610) on :

I really enjoyed this, hooked from the first sentence when the queen whispered in Donaldo’s ear.

Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

I liked it too. Well written. My only quibble is with this:

Joyra raised an eyebrow and smiled, and his clumsy protests went straight out of his head.

I didn't know who Joyra was at first. It stopped me for a second. No big deal, but just thought it would be better to just say "the queeen" or Queen Joyra. I'm pretty busy right now, but if you're not in a hurry I'd like to read it.

Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :

Is this the one you mentioned sending to me? If so, feel free to ship it out.

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

Hey Jennifer,
A few things:

The queen rose up on her toes.
That rhymes and sounds funny.

You have up, down, and up in the first two sentences.
Also, you have "the hall" which doesn't tell me anything about where they are. I can assume a long, grandiose, tapestry filled hallway because of the queen, but it's not there.

Can I suggest the queen cornering or trapping Donaldo in a secluded hallway (making it smaller and not as necessary to describe) and have him glance around, making sure no one could see. Or something like that.

I think glancing around is more actiony than looking and where he's looking.

The next few sentences describe the windows and palace, but if you like my above suggestion, they can emerge through a doorway to a well lit hallway. This can contrast the duplicitous behavior with a revelation and bring Donaldo's fear crashing in.

It could also reveal a character trait about the Queen, that she's willing to bring her feelings out into the open, but that she also may not care about what happens to Donaldo. Of course, it can be assumed that life long royalty doesn't understand what it's like to live in fear, or to have punishments and consequences to their actions. Or maybe it's just "heck with it, I'm the queen and they have to deal."

Final suggestion. How about pale, but shapely calves (or legs). I'm not sure ankles can be shapely. They're just ankles. Also, using two adjectives and a comma speeds up the end of the sentence which leads to him stopping. It might be more comedic this way, but of course that may not be what you're going for, even momentarily.

Axe

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Jennifer,

Send it to me. I'll see if I can get it critted before other events intervene.

Nick

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I like both versions, and would definitely read further.

Original version: How is Donaldo, running hand in hand with Jayla, able to see her feet past her billowing dress and petticoat?

Revision: Should read:

quote:
"'Can't' means nothing to me, as it should to you,..."

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I liked the revised version better for providing more setting. However it did so at the expense of being further removed from Donaldo's experience. That has the effect of pulling the reader a bit more out of the scene.

I was hooked by either one. I felt the writing was done well and I wanted to read more.