This is the opening of a flash. If anyone would like to read the story, I would be thrilled.
Comment on the second attempt: There is more to the story. Although she contemplates suicide after the completion of her task, it's the task that is her focus and it didn't make it into the opening. I put it in.
Second Attempt My eyes gaze upon the interior of my little farmhouse as I rise from my rumpled bed—the one I shared with my husband, Ewen. They drift to Wessel's cot, now empty to my great distress. And always, always my breath catches when I see the cradle, still, with no Arma's cry.
My hands feel swollen with my grief. Dismay never leaves my bones and fills my flesh with listlessness. My body is a burden for my troubled mind, but the spirit of justice moves me.
I look upon the table--a place that was the center for such love now holds the object that I will use to end the bane of my existence.
First Attempt My eyes gaze upon the interior of my little farmhouse as I rise from my rumpled bed—the one I shared with my husband, Ewen. They drift to Wessel's cot, now empty to my great dismay. And always, always my breath catches when I see the cradle, still, with no Arma's cry.
My hands feel swollen with my grief. Dismay never leaves my bones and fills my flesh with listlessness. My body is a burden for my troubled mind.
I look upon the table--a place that was the center for such love now holds the object that I will use to end the sorrow of my existence.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 11, 2010).]
Posted by Ethereon (Member # 9133) on :
As depressing as the character's situation and imminent suicide are I would still want to read on to find out what happened to the rest of the family and why the protagonist was spared.
I like the visceral portrayal of grief, but I think if you played with the wording a bit more it could be stronger.
I'm assuming that the protagonist is mentally tying up loose ends immediately before the act of suicide. That she is doing this upon matter of factly rising from bed somehow doesn't feel quite right to me. People experiencing depression may linger in bed struggling with the listlessness you describe as well as the inability to sleep (people with atypical depression on the other hand may sleep exessively), so getting out of bed can tend to be a struggle. This is very nitpicky, but that's just how it struck me.
I'm curious what the fantasy elements of the story will be. Are they absent from the first 13 because they are part of an unexpected ending?
I'd like to take a look at the whole thing for you if you want, but it would be my first critique of a full work, so if you could let me know the type of feedback you are looking for that would be very helpful. (My spelling is atrocious, but I think I could be some help with most other things.)
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 11, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 11, 2010).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
You make this hard work for an opening. The MC appears to have lost a husband, son and daughter (though you avoid any hint as to how) and is now planning to take her own life. I'm afraid I don't feel the grief of the MC viscerally (and I wouldn't expect to after only a few lines) and so I am afraid I am not vested enough to read on to find out either how she intends to kill herself, nor whether or not she succeeds.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
I definitely feel the woman's grief, and the opening is well-written (although I did notice "dismay" used twice). But the way the subject matter is presented might keep me from reading on. I'm going to make an assumption that something will happen to change the woman's outlook or at least her decision to kill herself. If that's the case, a glimmer of hope might help keep depression from dragging down the opening.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
I get the sadness of the character but it doesn't make me want to read on. Why would I want to follow along with a woman who is feeling sorry for herself (even with good reason) and may end up killing herself in the end? Sorry, it just doesn't work for me. I'd like to see at least a little hope or some doubt in her mind about what she's going to do. Otherwise I don't want to take this ride.
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
I changed the opening just a bit by adding the fact that her Final Task was NOT suicide, but something else.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Which improves it significantly, as there's now an interesting tension to her grief and the prospect of some kind of revenge rather than simply following her loved ones into death.
I'm still not sure about the expressions of grief but that's clearly personal. And given the overall length, I believe I would read on this time. An object lesson in what changing one single word can achieve.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I was surprised at how much adding "justice" changed the attitude, even though I struggled with the suicide I had in my mind (I read the first version first.) I'll read the whole thing if you want to send it.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
OWASM, I'd be happy to do a swap with you. I've got a flash I wouldn't mind getting a second pair of eyes on.
Axe
Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :
Owasm, feel free to send me the story. I won't comment on the first thirteen since it's such a short piece, but I'm more than happy to give you my feelings on the entire thing.
Jon
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Well, now that I'm beginning to get caught up on my crits again. I'll read it if you're still looking for readers.