I've finished the first scene but would love some feedback on the first 13 before I move forward. Thanks!
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When our captors brought fresh straw to our cell in strange shiny baskets, held between their suctioned tentacles, the other women huddled together against a wall. The squidies stared at us with many unblinking eyes and tossed the straw into our metal box like slop to a pig. My cellmates whimpered and prayed. There was a time I would have fumed at them for such cowardice. Now I sat apart, indifferent, and watched.
Only one other did not cower: the oldest of us, though she could have been no more than 30. Even before the door slid shut into seamless silver, she was plucking through the straw, as she always did. Most pieces she discarded, but a few she stroked end to end, blew on them, held them to her ear and touched with her tongue. Fewer still she took to her corner of the cell.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I'm not sure "suctioned" tentacles works - "suckered" (i.e., equipped with suckers) feels better to me. Other than that it seems pretty smooth.
I am intrigued enough to read on. I'm not certain that the narrator's detachment is going to work - it already feels, almost, as if this is going to be someone else's story - but I'd certainly give it more time to find out what the situation is.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 14, 2010).]
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
tchern, you're absolutely right that it is someone else's story. The POV character and the protagonist are separate. That's because the protagonist doesn't change from beginning to end, so I need a POV character who can observe (and participate) in the action and be changed by it. Thanks for your comments.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I would suggest you call them squidies instead of captors at the start - it helps make visualizing them smoother (when I read captors, I saw humans because I didn't know what was coming, then had to erase the picture and start over.) Good opening otherwise - I would definitely read further.
Posted by jacohen (Member # 9143) on :
I think the use of the 'captors' at first works. Since the first sentence has both 'captors' and 'suctioned tentacles' in it, I was already set up for the idea of them being squid-like, which was confirmed by calling them 'squidies' in the very next sentence. So, I thought the ambiguity was settled without too much pain. I'd definitely keep reading in either case.