Let me see if I can remember how things work around here. Well, here's the 1st 13 from something new. Comments welcome, offers to critique the whole piece met with rapture and, of course, reciprocated.
I never liked caves. It isn't just the dark, or the damp, though I can't say I'm mad on either. No, the thing about caves is that you don't know where they go or what they hide, beneath. One false step and the world becomes subtle and subterranean; a step further and you find yourself engulfed in a vast, geological conspiracy. Take Chilswick Marn, in Cheshire: a normal enough hole in the ground, to look at. They even have an ice-cream stall and ticket-office in a portacabin by the entrance, just off from the car-park. I remember the ticket office because Tom was at that age where there's no holding them back and he just dashed straight past it. Then Ali slipped her leash and bolted after him and I was left standing there behind this old Welsh couple
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
I think this is a story that needs more than 13 lines to get into. The voice is fine, but I'm left asking myself "so?"
I tend to give decent voices longer before I toss them aside, and so I'd read on.
The last two sentences were a little confusing. I'm guessing a portacabin is a portapotty (mobile toilet closet). Is Tom a human and Ali a dog?
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I tend to agree. You're setting the scene and easing us in but there's not much hint of story yet. There's a cave, and very vague hints that maybe something bad is going to happen to someone.
However the words themselves work nicely - good voice and nice terms (good work on "subtle and subterranean", and I liked "vast, geoloigcal conspiracy"), so I would read on.
Portakabin is a UK term for a prefab shell building usually used as a site office on construction work.
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
This is all nice background, but it shifts from thought to a flashback-info dump. I don't think that serves the start of your story very well. I'm certainly not hooked. No main character, no POV, no way of knowing what the story is except it's like to include caves... perhaps the one in Chesire, but that's not guaranteed.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
tchernabyelo wrote: Portakabin is a UK term for a prefab shell building usually used as a site office on construction work.
Thanks, tchernabyelo. That clears it up a bit. State-side, I'd call that a trailer, but it makes so much more sense now.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
The voice is enough for me, along with the fact its pretty clear somebody is going to have something strange happen to them in a cave.
Send it to me please.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Thanks for the comments, all.
It's helpful to know about the portacabin's potential for confusion.