I stretch and pour myself another cup from the small perk behind my desk. No stale, brown-dyed water from a staff room vending machine for me. Today I need coffee you can stand up a spoon in.
Three fifteen. Just enough time to finish the bullying incident report before the bell rings and I join the mass exodus as gleefully as any student.
Tap tap tap.
“Come in”.
A slim youth slides into the office wearing a smug smile and a tight white T-shirt: Holden Crawford in all his cocksure glory. For the enth time I wonder if his parents ever read Catcher in the Rye and if they are capable of grasping irony.
Hi Folks.
I'm trying a couple new things in this flash bit, namely 1st person present tense and a touch of humor (later in the story). One thing to note: there is no indication of a speculative element in the first 13 and this is on purpose.
What I would like to know from you lovely people is: between the (working) title and the 13 is there enough to keep you reading, considering that it's flash?
Edited to change 4th sentance.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 28, 2010).]
I agree the "After that last appointment ..." sentence is awkward. Maybe split it into two sentences: "That last appointment was a doozy. I need coffee you can stand up a spoon in."
I would definitely keep reading.
@Jennifer: I actually didn't indicate the POV character's gender at all, because it never became necessary, but in my head it was probably a woman.
@MAP: I'm glad you got that impression of the POV. It is actually the guidance councilor, which the reader finds out shortly.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 29, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 29, 2010).]
This is a comment about American usage, which may differ from Brit of Aussie usage quit a bit: a phrase or two gives the impression that the MC is fairly starched, which may be exactly the intent, but I'll blather on, anyway: slim youth is an example of something you don't hear much these days. I don't think youth is used in the singular much these days. Go back far enough, and "youth" referred only to boys. I remember reading "some youth and girls...." Skinny is the word d'jour.
The above small-print disclaimer about American vs. King's English usage was prompted by this Brit punctuation: "Come in".
Some editors are annoyed by onomatopoeic words like bang and tap. "Someone tapped on the door," might be better.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing it in print. I'll be glad to read it, if you're looking for readers.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited June 29, 2010).]
Thank you for your offer to read too. That would be very helpful, so I'll send it your way
However, that 4th sentence tripped me up a bit, and that was before I read the comments about it. For me, it's the whole "ending with a preposition" thing, and I got hung up on that sentence, trying to figure out how to make it flow better. Since your narrator is an educator, it might not be too bad to have her (or him?) think "Today I need coffee in which I could stand up a spoon," without it coming off as too pretentious. Just my suggestion, feel free to ignore.