This is topic First 13...Sci-Fi...Still working on a title...5000+ words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Mick DeVries took a deep breath and then jumped out into the merciless vacuum of space. A current of fear coursed through him-it always did-as his momentum carried him away from the ship. There were several things that could go wrong with the operation at this point and most of them had fatal consequences.
Barely fifty meters away, the great red bulk of an asteroid drifted through space. It was small, considering the behemoths that floated in space nearby, barely a hundred meters in diameter. Too small to attract attention, just the way Mick liked them. As he drifted closer to the asteroid, he could hear an occasional stutter and whine from the small motor he had embedded in the back of his safety harness. The motor powered a winch that was feeding a slender cable back to Mick’s
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 28, 2010).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Interested to know why the asteroid is red, and why there are other asteroids so close (as "nearby" indicates).
Otherwise, not especially hooked, but there's nothing particularly wrong with it either. I'd read on at least a bit more to find out what he's up to.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Couple of nits: You wrote: As he drifted closer to the asteroid, he could hear an occasional stutter and whine from the small motor he had embedded in the back of his safety harness.
Why not simplify with: As he drifted closer to the asteroid, the small motor embedded in the back of Mick's safety harness stuttered and whined.
With no one else around (and being in space) the only person who is going to hear this is Mick in the suit. Occasional and stuttered seemed redundant to me, and do I need to know that Mick embedded the moter or do I need to know that it is embedded? I think you're hesitating or hiding behind your protagonist when you write that "he could hear" kind of stuff. Unless you need to differentiate what the protagonist can hear from what the people in his immediate vicinity can hear or see or whatever, just tell us what is going on and I think the reader will attribute it to the protagonist's perception.
Just a few thoughts. Overall, I liked it, but I would want it tighter. Do you need readers?
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Maybe I misread something.
quote:Mick DeVries took a deep breath and then jumped out into the merciless vacuum of space.
To me, as crazy as it seems (and a big hook for me), it appears Mick is jumping without a suit (or at least without a helmet - else he could not take that deep breath from anywhere). AND HE HAS DONE IT BEFORE?!? If I am not misreading it, then he should not be able to hear the motor embedded in his harness. Maybe he can feel the vibration and jerking as it runs and stutters, but there is nothing to hear. I guess he's jumping from an open bay in his ship (with some sort of retaining field to hold the atmosphere); you need to clarify this, since I'm seeing it my way and others don't seem to. Then he is planning to either grab something from the asteroid (or hook the enire thing), and jump back along the line to his ship. ALSO - I may have this wrong, but if he's holding his breath in a vacuum, doesn't he need to empty his lungs so he doesn't explode? (of course, if I'm wrong about what's happening, you can ignore this...)
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
NoTimeToThink, there is no direct mention of a suit. I just figured that any human would die pretty quickly jumping into the vacuum of space without a suit. So, I'm assuming Mick is human and that he has a suit. I don't understand why a helmet would exclude a deep breath. In fact, jumping into the vacuum without a helmet and suit would exclude breathing.
Just me thinking
Posted by Ken S (Member # 9010) on :
Thanks for all the input. One thing that I can see that I need to make clearer is that Mick is barely scraping by and his gear shows it. This does become clearer as I go along but perhaps I need to work it into the first 13...or at least hint a bit more strongly at it.
tchernabyelo-He's in an asteroid belt. Nearby is sort of in astronomical terms As for Red...um..trace metals high iron content with lots of frozen water?
babooher-I wanted to give the impression that the motor was on it's last legs without coming right out and saying it. I think that it's important to know that Mick embedded the motor. He's "Making Do" the best he can with what he has. I do need a bit of tightening up and I'd love a couple of readers
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Please send it to me if you're ready.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
quote: I think that it's important to know that Mick embedded the motor. He's "Making Do" the best he can with what he has.
this is totally interesting. It reminds me of Firefly, but not in a copying sort of way, but a cool idea sort of way.
I highly recommend getting this in the first 13. I doubt I'm the only one who would instantly begin rooting for him based on this idea.
Axe
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
I'm not particularly hooked. Here's why:
-- I've never liked giving human qualities to inanimate things. So calling the vacuum of space "merciless" doesn't work for me. Show me how it's merciless instead. (Next point is related to this ...)
-- This sentence struck me as too vague: "There were several things that could go wrong with the operation at this point and most of them had fatal consequences." I suggest that instead of stating things can go wrong, point out a couple of examples. It's more specific and would make the danger more real.
-- Why does he not just land his spacecraft on the asteroid? Why go through all the trouble of jumping through deep space?
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited June 30, 2010).]
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Since you're trying paint this as a low-budget operation, you can use terms like kludged or jury-rigged to describe the motor's arrangement. (I don't know what the motor does, BTW.) "Embedded" didn't give me the impression of a kludge; that seems rather normal.
I think a summary of some of the other comments is to shorten it a bit, removing words and phrases that add little to the opening. For example, "There were several things that could go wrong with the operation at this point and most of them had fatal consequences" could be, "Several things could go wrong, now, most of them fatal."
I think the opening would be improved, more compelling, by giving a hint about why he's taking these risks.
GL
Posted by geronl (Member # 9156) on :
I don't think it's bad but I agree with some of the others. Have you tried to rewrite it with a new opening? Couldn't you just have the character hoping, in the back of his mind, that the "second-hand" (or salvaged) engine on his back works properly?
As for Red...um..trace metals high iron content with lots of frozen water?