Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short story: Name: Mystery with a twist.

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Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

This story is still in rough, rough, draft, but since I'm doing my own wrestling over phrases and details right now. I figured I'd through it out for comment. Here are the opening lines to: Mystery with a twist.

Tip-Tap... Tippedy... Tip-Tap...

A light symphony of raindrops played soundtrack in what she felt was a dream.

There was fog, but it had no texture. It broke occasionally to reveal the ghostly figure she followed.

The ghost, a woman, formed of a gray shroud of translucent vapor, walked ahead of her by a few paces, then suddenly disappeared, dropping straight downward.

She continued forward, the blanket of mist parted to reveal the edge of a cliff before her, but still she felt a need to follow.

A struggle began within, survival instincts kicked in trying to hold back the foot inching over the edge. Her own voice echoed from somewhere distant “no… no…,” but the momentum continued unabated. Overwhelming desperation filled every fiber of her

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 15, 2010).]

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Well, definitely hooked (at least until I find out if she falls

1) Should be "played THE soundtrack".
2) Saying "the momentum continued unabated" sounds like she's doing nothing now to continue moving, but she is still actively walking over the edge. Use different phrasing to indicate that her muscles are still pushing forward.
3) The last paragraph I would tighten up:

quote:
A struggle began. Survival instincts tried to hold back the foot inching over the edge. Her own voice echoed from somewhere distant “no… no…,” but she kept moving forward. Desperation filled her, but she was disconnected from control. Her foot left the edge, and her weight slid forward...

Nice start overall. Welcome to Hatrack!

Posted by Krista (Member # 7738) on :

I can't think of anything to add to NTTT's suggested fixes, but I did want to reply and say that I am intrigued by the first 13, and I'm interested in reading further.

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

Thanks NTTT and Krista,

Have to admit the 'the' was a good catch, because even as I turned it over several times in my head I had to really take a close look at the make-up of the sentence. I even tried 'as a' and 'like a'

'the' seems to really carry the sentence.

I'll be sending this one to the wolves, so I need it as sharp as possible. Thanks again. W.

[This message has been edited by walexander (edited July 15, 2010).]

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

The story is written well, these are just some ideas.

Unless the fact that it is raining is somehow important to the story, I would loose the first two lines.

So far, I feel very distanced from the MC. I don't know if this is on purpose or not. Personally, I would like to get some info on the MC, maybe even a name or something.

It sounds promising, I'd be interested in how it ends.

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

It does play a role made clearer toward the end.

I may adjust those first lines, but I want to get opinion on them in context to the whole story now.

The MC name is held purposely till the result of her foot leaving the edge.

I tried to place it earlier but it broke the gravity of the moment.

I'm finishing the cleaned and polish rough right now. I'll be begging around for reader's when it's done. It stands right now at 8000 word count, that should drop by the time I'm done with the last of my rough edits in a day or two. You guys can find out then if she falls to her death (Ka Splat!)if your interested.

thanks,