A baby arrived at our house today. (The first sentence sounds awkward. It doesn't hook to me. It sounds like the baby is laundry.)
It was a little boy.
He cried and slept and ate. (Sentence structure)
He even had a scab on his belly button.
How strange (No coma)I thought, but my Mommy (*Mother) explained, “It’s called a belly button cap. All babies are born with that. You had one too.”
I just touched on the first block. It's got potential, but the point of view of the MC is confusing to me, so it doesn't hook.
*I can't tell how old the narrator is. Most childhood stories are told from an older version's perspective looking back. In applying 'mommy' within the sentence makes it sound as if narration is by the young kid, which in itself defies the logic of a detailed story. You'll need to clarify perspective.
Example: He was but a baby when he arrived at our home. Crying, sleeping, eating seemed all he ever did. The thing I remember most was the scab on his belly button. How strange I had thought, but my mother explained, “It’s called a belly button cap. All babies are born with that. You had one too.”
I like where you were going with the dynamic between the child and mother, but The next exclamation 'demanded' breaks that feel.
Interested to see what you do with it.
W.
Without the comma, the sentence (at least to me) means it is strange that the narrator thought as if the narrator isn't used to thinking.
quote:
Walexander wrote: "How strange (No coma)I thought,"Without the comma, the sentence (at least to me) means it is strange that the narrator thought as if the narrator isn't used to thinking.
Hummm, coma is needed to separate to make clear. Yep.
Oh well there goes my Pulitzer.
W.
[This message has been edited by walexander (edited July 19, 2010).]
I'll try the Walexander read-aloud method and rewrite the sentences. Sometimes simplicity (and clarity) works best--probably most of the time.
Oops, I think I forgot the 'Coma." lol.W.
[This message has been edited by walexander (edited July 20, 2010).]
The use of the word "today" in the first sentence would indicate to me that this is written in the recent past, not as an adult looking back. This could be challenging due to a young child's limited vocabulary. You might want to get a sound idea of the age of the child telling the story (if you are adamant about the narrator being a child) and remember to maintain that vocabulary throughout. This will also be considerably limiting, but otherwise it will knock the reader out of the story.
You might consider getting rid of the "today" and write it in the more distant past - Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird does an excellent job with this (and makes use of a wider vocabulary).