This is topic Revision, Is He My Brother? [A picture book about foster care] in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
A lady I never met before brought a baby boy to our house. It was a little boy. He cried and slept and ate. He even had a scab on his belly button. “It’s called a belly button cap,” said Mommy. All babies were born with that. Even you.” “Is he my brother?” I asked. “No. He’s not your brother. He will only be here a little while.” Daddy asked me, “Would you like to help us take care of the baby?” “NO!” I shouted. After I shouted, I pouted. One day, Mommy was changing the baby’s diapers, and a disaster happened. His belly button cap fell off. I started shouting, “Belly button! Belly button! Belly
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 20, 2010).]
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
Here is the OLD VERSION:
A baby arrived at our house today. It was a little boy. He cried and slept and ate. He even had a scab on his belly button. How strange, I thought, but Mommy explained, “It’s called a belly button cap. All babies are born with that. You had one too.” “Is he my brother?” I demanded to know. “No. He’s not you brother. He will only be here a little while.” Then, Daddy asked me, “Would you like to help us take care of the baby?” “NO!” I shouted. After I shouted, I pouted. Then one day Mommy was changing the baby’s diapers and a disaster happened. His belly button cap fell off.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
The line
quote:"NO!” I shouted. After I shouted, I pouted.
feels like it's going to break into a Dr Seuss poem. You might want to change one of the rhyming words. I actually like the older version better, but neither one hooks me. I keep waiting for a hint that something unusual is going to happen, or a reason to care.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited July 25, 2010).]
Posted by Zack Zyder (Member # 9162) on :
I'm actually flattered by the Dr. Seuss reference. Lighten up.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Lighten up?
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
Zack any critique of your work posted here is meant to help you improve your writing.
It might help to announce your intended audience if it is not adult or YA. If this is intended for children, you should probably state that.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Hey Zack, I'm really liking your concept. And I like your second rewrite better for it's structure.
I'm thinking the POV is the kid's, am I right?
A small thing I would suggest as a change would be the first 2 lines.
-- A lady I never met before brought a baby to our house. She left it here! It was a boy. --
Maybe that might help you with an emotional hook for the book.