The silver man held out his hand and smiled--his opalescent eyes twinkled in the moonlight. "Take my hand and fly with me, Lima." The darkness of the night had given way to an indigo glow in the east and warm wind blew. It was so perfect, so silent, so dream-like. "Where are we going?" I asked. "To my ship," he murmured. "I have to take you to safety." His skin was smooth and warm, but I felt the hum and whirr of small machines busy within the fingers. I snatched my hand away. "Why should I?" I remembered--in a distant way--my parents and sister still asleep in the house. But it's just a dream... He squatted in front of me and, with a silver finger, slid an errant lock of my hair behind my ear. "Your world will die today, Lima, and so will you, if you don't
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 29, 2010).]
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I like this a lot, you show much in 13 lines (and do it elegantly) and illuminates your perspective on the comments you made on my 13 I posted today.
We know that Lima has some kind of prejudice against the mechanical man. We know (or believe) from his squatting the Lima is a child. She is placed in a conflict: will she overcome her fear of the silver man and believe his claim that her world will die today?
Minor things that gave me pause: -"The darkness of the night had given way to an indigo glow in the east and warm wind blew." I feel like an "a" should be between "and" and "warm". Its just a single letter but for me it flows better.
-"To my ship," he murmured. "I have to take you to safety." I'm not sure why he would murmur this? If there is a reason in the story, perhaps he is reluctant to take her to safety or is feeling guilty because he is deceiving her, its fine. But if not, it felt misplaced when earlier in the passage he makes the more forceful request for her to take his hand and fly away with her.
Overall, it's really good, I'd read more.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks. The lack of an A was a typo...it should have been there!
The murmur was because in my head he spoke quieter--more considered. Perhaps it isn't the right word.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
It's good, so I'll have to crank up the magnification of the microscope.
If the MC is a child then she (I assume) is *very* precocious.
'It was so perfect, so....'
The 'it' is a little vague. It probably refers to the setting, but by proximity, refers to the wind.
'whirr of small machines busy within the fingers.'
Most often, you'd say 'his fingers', or 'its fingers' for a mechanical fellow; 'the' fingers sounds a little odd, but this might be a US/Brit thing. [The microscope adjustment just hit the stop.]
Good luck with it.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I guess I associate a murmur with timidity or with complaining. Not sure if its just me.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
S.
quote:"Your world will die today, Lima, and so will you, if you don't
This phrase seems in contrast to what you so far have written. The eloquence in how you have laid out the first lines, seems to come to a complete halt on the word 'Die.' To me this word spoken so plainly to a young person/child (I can't tell her age, but you have him knell) is a very direct and harsh way of getting to the truth. It's like saying, "Your mom's going to die, and so are you, but follow me and you'll live." You would probably send a real child into shock with this phrase.
As excellent as you are with words, there might be a better way for him to start to explain what is happening if he is there to help her. If he's an Antagonist and this rest of the line is "...and so will you, unless you marry me." Then I could understand the harshness, and it all lines up perfectly.
2cents,
W.
Posted by geronl (Member # 9156) on :
Maybe he should say "end" instead of "die"?
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
I wouldn't change the word die at all. The softness of the description contrasts sharply with the finiteness of the word. The contrast shows the moment of change. I think it is handled well.
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
I liked everything about it and would love to read more.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks. Regarding the use of the word 'die'--bahooer nailed what I was aiming for. There are reasons why it seems dream-like, why she thinks only distantly of her family and why she is able to deal with the concept of the world ending. Hopefully, these points (and why the world is ending) and seeking to get them clarified is what draws you to read more.