After reading the comments on the last story I posted, I tried to rewrite it and ended up with something so different that I felt it deserved it's own post - and here it is:
While all the others who opposed Supreme Emperor Krill of planet Vardos fell victim to his pets, the body-huggers, I escaped in my cargo ship. The emperor’s drifting star-shaped pets pursued me and I had to keep moving from planet to planet as they always nearly caught up. I eventually ended up on the human planet, Earth and by that time I was far enough from the creatures to get at least four hours of rest. I landed in a dense forest, cloaked my ship and slept on the bunk in the cargo hold. I woke up twenty hours later, surprised to be alive as the blaring siren that was supposed to warn me of the body-huggers arrival hadn’t gone off. I checked the ship’s computer, and the body-huggers had followed me to Earth as anticipated. They hadn’t descended into its atmosphere because the humans were toxic to them.
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
It seems so distant, almost more like a synopsis, then a story.
That said, I really love the idea, and I would keep reading, but can you slow down and plant the character in the action, tell what he is seeing, hearing and smelling?
What does his spaceship looks like, and how do the controls feel in his hands, also, does he have hands? I'm guessing he is an alien, but what about him makes him different? I think you need to describe more.
Good luck with it, ~Sheena
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I agree with Sheena on this one. It feels both distant and hurried. The idea of the body-huggers is interesting, the moniker leaves me curious as to know what happens when they actually catch a victim.
I think you could add some detail as Sheena said, slow down, but also add some emotion. Here we have the MC being chased endlessly by these body-huggers, he finally gets some respite on a planet where the body-huggers fear humans. I know I'd be relieved at least temporarily.
I am left curious also about the prospect that your MC will now try to mold into human society as a defense against the huggers. How will he accomplish this if he does try? How will the huggers navigate the society to try to get at him?
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
And most curious to me, how does he know that humans are toxic to the body huggers? Or should I ask, how do the body huggers know?
An interesting premise, though. I could read this.
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
Maybe too much information packed into 13 lines. You go from escaping to landing on a planet to waking up twenty hours later. I'd pick one time period, otherwise we'll get time-lag.
Otherwise, interesting concepts.
Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :
Thanks for your comments. "Distant" and "hurried" are words that I seem to hear about almost all my stories. I'm working on that and hopefully my next post will be better.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
I agree with the others that it sounds like a synopsis. I think the reason is twofold: there is generalized information in the 13 including back-story, and you skip potentially interesting parts of the story in a hand-wavy manner. For example, the opening sentence, while not bad, by the end of the 13 we realize that it is all back-story except, perhaps, for the last nine words.
Also, "They hadn't descended into its atmosphere because the humans were toxic to them" is distilled information, particularly as it is about the motives of his/her enemies and is information not available to someone in that situation, particularly so quickly. Furthermore, by giving away that particular piece information so early, you cheat the reader of the thrill of discovering it inside the story. (Yes, it can be a hook, but this is one hook that is possibly too big for the first 13 for best effect.)
The final example is the line "I eventually ended up on the human planet", which says interesting things happen that could help build an understanding of the character, but are not crucial to the climax of the plot. Such a line, particularly the acknowledged missing information, puts the reader in a synopsis mode of reading.
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
Brendan hits most of the major points for me. I think that the distant and hurried feel that others are commenting on is a symptom of "hook gone wrong." It seems like you really wanted to get to the reveal of human's being toxic. The last line of your first 13 "They hadn’t descended into its atmosphere because the humans were toxic to them" is clearly important because it relates to your title "They fear humans" but it seems in the effort to get there as fast as you could the intro ends up being synopsisy. What could be an exciting action sequence/stellar chase scene and escape and landing on earth is all shortened into a single paragraph. The gist of my point is this: if the information of the first paragraph is not important enough to merit a real time depiction in the story does it need to be the first thing the reader reads? What about starting with the hook of the humans being toxic and then filling in the back-story as you go?
[This message has been edited by bemused (edited August 11, 2010).]
