Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Picture Flash Fiction 300 words

This is topic The Picture Flash Fiction 300 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by RoxanneCrouse (Member # 9172) on :

This is my first post so I appologise if I so anything wrong in advance.

I opened the bag from the one hour photo and shuffled through the images. Slowly at first, but as my heart raced, I quickened my pace. My son, Logan, starred in most of them looking beautiful with his uncut messy hair and dirty cake-covered face. I watched as he tore through each of his birthday presents throwing wrapping paper around like rain. Next he blew out seven candles on his cake and ate a ton of sugar with his friends.
My eyes watered as I got to the last image, the fourteenth image. Only fourteen. I should have bought more film. My son sat on a video game motorcycle staring at the screen trying to drive, but the controls were too spread out for him to manipulate. He tried anyway.

[This message has been edited by RoxanneCrouse (edited August 05, 2010).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

This is good. Your opening is about 40% of the story, so any impressions someone has at this point are significant. It has a ominous tone to it. If that's not intended, you might want to tweak it. I also assume it's a literary story.

Since it's so short, you might want to avoid timid and redundant phrases to make room for more meaty stuff:
'my eyes began to water' (my eyes watered)
'as my heart began to race' (as my heart raced)
'but the controls were too big and spread out for him to manipulate them well' (but the controls were too big for him)

Minor nit: cake-covered face

Good luck with it.

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

Hi Roxanne!

Here's my take.

I agree with WouldBe in that it's good. I feel properly introduced to the main character(s) and I sank right in to what's going on.

Some thoughts:

If it's a one hour photo, might the party still be going on? Probably not since the MC is at the photo place to begin with, but maybe make it a day later to put real separation in there.

I'm not sure the significance of seven candles. Clearly this is a first birthday party so I was a little thrown by that trying to make him seven.

The second to last sentence felt like a run-on.

Lastly, I'm not sure after 13 where this is going. I don't know how much a hook matters in a story this short as I can't imagine someone not just reading the whole thing... But I thought I'd mention it as how I felt after reading the final word.

Hope this helps!

Axe

Posted by RoxanneCrouse (Member # 9172) on :

This is a very sad story. You only get a tiny feel of the sadness in the beginning 13 lines. The child is seven, it's not a first birthday, but when you read the rest of the story, you do learn that it is a last birthday. Thank you for the edits I agree with them and have made the changes. Thanks for your help.

[This message has been edited by RoxanneCrouse (edited August 05, 2010).]