Patricia sat on a bit of old deer hide, anchored to a stake in the ground by the cord looped around one ankle.
Ma Ina trundled over, an arthritic hitch in her step Patricia recognized. Grandmamma had had the same odd rock to her gait. Ma Ina carried a steaming bowl of bitter greens cooked in aromatic fat, mussel shell spoon resting on top and offering Patricia her most friendly (and least sincere) grin and proffered the bowl.
“No, thank you," Patricia said, and pointedly scratched at her bound ankle. When the cord didn’t abrade her skin- or tangle her legs together - it itched.
The old woman gargled something and lifted a spoonful of hot greens shiny with fat and dotted with bits of meat. Patricia swallowed back a rush of saliva and looked away. If the [This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 26, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 27, 2010).]
Here's what I thought of what is there:
It seemed odd to me that she had to remember that she is tied to a stake. If the skin is raw and hurting, she's going to 'remember' without having to think about it.
Since the odd gait is brought up, I'm thinking there must be something to it, but nothing is said. I was looking for the reason Grandmamma had it to suggest a reason(s) why Ma'lna has it.
I can't pronounce Ma'lna, or I don't know how to pronounce it and it irritates me as a reader.
I would really like to know why Ma'lna is being so nice to a prisoner.
In general I didn't see any major flaws, but this passage brings up a lot of questions in my mind. I would read on for a few paragraphs to see if things become clearer, otherwise, I'm moving on to the next story.
This kind of reminds me of scenes from the movie, A Man Called Horse, where they tied him up as a conquered slave. It makes me assume that she is being watched at all times and can't just untie herself. That's just what my brain envisioned.
Beyond that, I'm thinking there is more to the story than meets the eye. And I'm with NTTT, I'd love to read more but don't yet have an exchange.
PB
Anyway, I am going to take you two up as readers if you're up for it and you can just send me your stuff when it's done. I like critiquing and I'm not unkind though I am honest. Which is what I ask! If I don't know what's wrong, I can't fix it!
Please can you confirm your intended point of view for me? Then I may have further thoughts.
Not sure about 'this woman' once her name has been used.
Some good imagary.
You can send it to me if you want.I'm not sure how much time I will have but I'll give it a go.
"Patricia sat on a bit of old deer hide, anchored to a stake in the ground by the cord looped around one ankle."
IMHO, could be simplified to:
"Patricia sat on an old deer hide, anchored to a stake by the cord looped around one ankle."
**A stake is implied to be "in the ground" and "a bit of" doesn't add much. I have a personal vendetta against the word "of" as well, so take that into account. ;p
"Ma Ina trundled over, an arthritic hitch in her step Patricia recognized."
**Trundle, as in a trundle bed? And why wouldn't she recognize her? Is it dark? If not, you can just tell us that Ma Ina hobbled over.
"Grandmamma had had the same odd rock to her gait."
** POV shift.
"Ma Ina carried a steaming bowl of bitter greens cooked in aromatic fat, mussel shell spoon resting on top and offering Patricia her most friendly (and least sincere) grin and proffered the bowl."
**remove "mussel shell" because it doesn't add anything and if its different than a normal spoon, describe it since it's not common usage. And is the spoon even necessary? maybe remove "spoon resting on top" as well.
**also, she wouldn't know what was in the bowl at the time.
“No, thank you," Patricia said, and pointedly scratched at her bound ankle. When the cord didn’t abrade her skin- or tangle her legs together - it itched.
** remove pointedly -- doesn't add anything to scratched. Could change to "No, thank you." Patricia scratched at her bound ankle.
The old woman gargled something and lifted a spoonful of hot greens shiny with fat and dotted with bits of meat. Patricia swallowed back a rush of saliva and looked away. If the"
**Remove "rush of" before saliva. Strange wording and doesn't add anything. It's okay to have a rush of something, but make it important.
IMHO, I would cut the 13 lines down to this:
"Patricia sat on an old deer hide, anchored to a stake by a cord looped around one ankle.
Ma Ina hobbled over, carrying a steaming bowl, and offered Patricia her most friendly (and least sincere) grin.
“No, thank you." Patricia scratched at her bound ankle. When the cord didn’t abrade her skin- or tangle her legs together - it itched.
The old woman gargled something and lifted a spoonful of hot greens shiny with fat and bits of meat. Patricia swallowed her saliva and looked away. If the"
It doesn't flow as well now and would need further adjustment, but hopefully you understand where I was going with it. Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by thomaskcarpenter (edited August 28, 2010).]