Hatrack River Writers Workshop: FIRST 13 LINES: The Champagne Garden

This is topic FIRST 13 LINES: The Champagne Garden in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Apemantus (Member # 9204) on :

Hello Everyone:

This is a short story. Interested to hear if you would turn the page.
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Two things happen every time I come to the garden.

First, I lose my breath.

The red passion of the coxcombs has something to do with that. The yellow laughter of the lilies does too. Mostly though, it’s the pool of champagne effervescing from the ground. That’s the sight that, even after all these visits, I can’t anticipate.

Second, an angel appears.

It takes a while sometimes, due to her responsibilities. But, usually, I like the wait. I look for a star in the sky that is getting bigger, and, when I find one, I follow it. If it arcs toward me, I know she’s on her way. If it doesn’t, I know that someone else is soon to be in the company of his or her angel.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 28, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Apemantus (edited August 28, 2010).]

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

The first line grabbed me, but the second one lost me. That's mostly because, this being genre fiction, I had to pause and consider whether you meant "lose my breath" metaphorically or literally. I was hoping for the latter; that's more interesting.

I wonder whether you want to devote the second and third paragraphs to how beautiful the garden is when the point you're trying to get to is the angel. I suggest starting with something like, "Every time I come to the garden, an angel appears."

Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like it. I enjoyed the description and I was intrigued by the whole setting. I would definetly keep reading.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

This reads like an outline to me. It was hard for me to keep my attention on the story.

Here's my idea of a rewrite.

quote:
I lose my breath every time I come into the garden. The red passion of the coxcombs and yellow laughter of the lilies has something to do with that. But it’s the pool of champagne effervescing from the ground that, even after all these visits, I look forward to with great anticipation.
And more than that, an angel visits here. It takes a while sometimes, due to her responsibilities. But, usually, I like the wait. I look for a growing star and when I find one, I follow it. If it arcs toward me, I know she’s on her way. If it doesn’t, I know that someone else is soon to be in the company of his or her angel.

That's my two cents.

PBJ

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

This certainly intrigues me. The last sentence could be more direct, but apart from that, its fascinating. I _really_ liked the pacing brought about by the one sentence paragraphs. It helps create a poetic feel to the garden. How big is it?

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited August 29, 2010).]