I closed my eyes against the music. My heartbeat sped and my breathing raced. I shouldn’t have come here, but I didn’t care. I leaned against the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold pock marked bricks beneath my shaking palms. Digging my fingers into the holes I fought the desire to move.
Down a cobblestone street and in the distance the Andarian castle stood and atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers. I snorted in disgust. The Andarians’ fear robbed their dance of any true power.
My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing. The gray of early dawn was just enough light for me to see the dancers and no one came
Second Version
I closed my eyes against the music. My heartbeat sped and my breathing raced. I shouldn’t have come here, but I didn’t care. I leaned against the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold bricks beneath my shaking palms. Digging my fingers into the brick’s grooves I fought the desire to move.
The Andarian castle stood at the end of the cobblestone street. Atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed in the early gray morning. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers. The Andarians’ fear robbed their dance of any true power.
My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing. The clothing district always stirred late. Maybe, maybe I could chance it.
[This message has been edited by satate (edited August 31, 2010).]
A few minor points:
"the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold pock marked bricks beneath my shaking palms"
The phrase "cold pock marked bricks" confuses me. After three reads, I think I have it figured out (and by reading the next line). I think being cold is important (tells me that its probably morning and the state of the weather in the area), but the pock marked bricks gave me a "huh?"
Also, there's an opportunity to get rid of the word "feeling", if you rework the sentence. You do a pretty good job with first POV, but the words: feeling, felt, saw, seeing, heard, hearing, etc. are your enemy.
For example, your last line could be changed to:
"The gray of early dawn cast uneven shadows across the dancers..."
This way, you remove the "I-filter" which plagues first POV and gives it more action words.
Hope this helps, good luck.
quote:
Down a cobblestone street and in the distance the Andarian castle stood and atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers.
quote:
My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing.
Beyond that, I would read more just to find out what's going on.
PBJ
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited August 29, 2010).]