Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Can I even use this storyline?

This is topic Can I even use this storyline? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

My first dream in a long time. Haven't watched television in about a week, either.

But it sounds so much like a Terminator theme that I'm afraid it will not be usable. There is no actual killer robot here. But it does deal with time issues.
Any advice would be appreciated. I only have four pages of this so far.

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How can I tell her? What are the words? What can I say that's forceful enough to get her to listen to me seriously but not too jolting that she'd dismiss me as ridiculous?

Mrs. Porter, I'm not the person you think I am. I'm the child you're carrying now and we're in grave danger. Wow, not even I believe that one, and it's true.

Mommy, I'm gonna die if you go to work today. No, that sounds like the rambling threats of a spoiled child. Mom, can we have a serious talk before you go? Yeah, right. I can hear the response now. Sorry honey, mommy's got to go to work and I'm already late. We'll talk when I get home, all right?

But that's the problem, Mom. You don't have time to change anything if you leave now. I know. I actually will die... again!

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 05, 2010).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I don't see any reason you can't explore this--especially considering you don't have an assassin cyborg in it. I would suggest really developing the world in the future (making it far different from Jame's Cameron's), and choosing motivations for your character that could not possibly be confused with Terminator.

Also, probably the most important factor, believe in the story. Don't query us, make us want to read what you're passionate enough to write about. Finish this, then ask.

Posted by Kimlin (Member # 9239) on :

If the rest of the story is not similar I don't see why not the ideas used in Terminator weren't new with Terminator.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

I think this is a pretty good story, and no, I don't think it sounds like Terminator. It sounds interesting. The last line really got me, too, and I would read on. Except... He says "Put that's the problem." Did you mean "But that's the problem"? or did you litereally mean "put". I was just wondering if that's a typo. Oh, and the first line got me too but not as much as the last line did. That line got me wanting to read on.

Good luck.

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

I think every story has been told. What makes a story unique is the way you write it and the angle you tell it from.

If you hadn't mentioned Terminator, I wouldn't have associated your 13 with that story.

I think this is good and would be happy to read more when you've got it.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Yeah I wouldn't worry too awful much about "originality" since there really isn't any such thing at this point.

The two main things that jump out at me right now are too many exclamation points and "alright" instead of "all right."

Also, maybe a little more context and placement. Does she even know he's there, at this point, for example?

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Ha! Thanks everybody! My wife said I was crazy for writing it. She is so literal sometimes.

But, she did ask me to explain things to her that would get her to accept how a kid could be there at the same time as he was in his mother's womb. I had to think about that. She's right, though. How can I sell a story to others if I can't justify it to myself?

I really like this one.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

If she's still pregnant with him, all he has to do is give her insides a serious bunch of kicks, and make her too sick to go to work.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Ooh, nice twist. I had her in her first trimester but that can be changed. Hmmm...

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Interesting, and as others have stated not necessarily associated with the Terminator. I have read various time traveling stories with this type of opening. It's the writing that can give old ideas new life and/or give them a new twist,

But with that said I have some questions. First I didn't get that he was inside his mother while thinking those thoughts. I thought his older future self was nearby watching his mother.

Second if he died how is he coming back in time? Or is there going to be some type of spiritual element to this story? Could be super science, wouldn't be the first time future science had brought somebody who had died years-centuries ago, back to life.

Other than that I think it's good. Basically just that communication problem if he is in her womb.

Remember this comes from someone who has had one story published three years ago and nothing even close since

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Thanks for all the feedback. I've redone it to start in a very different location. I'll post it here in a few days.

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This turned out to be Time Hunter.

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 13, 2010).]