Five images projected onto a screen in front of Jed. He recognised the first three as pictures from his birth, childhood, and adolescence; the fourth reflected his current twenty-three year old face, and the last distorted likeness showed him aged way beyond his years.
A red suited technician jumped up from her station. “Mr Milton, you shouldn’t be sitting up. Don’t be alarmed. You’re in the reboot unit.” Jed gazed over the neural recording consoles and cloning capsules that looked exactly as he’d drawn them in his technical plans. “I can see what this is,” he said. “The problem is I haven’t built it yet.”
The woman flushed. “Yes you have Mr Milton, only you don’t remember.”
Only nit is this. Shouldn't there be some guage checking by the technician at some point, or blinking light alerting her to his condition? I'm just rambling. Good story.
I think you could drop 'he recognised'. We are in his POV, so you can just say what the pictures are.
Also if he is sitting up and the screen is now in front of him then if he lies back down 'where he should be' then the screen would seem to be oddly placed (IMO).
Personally, I think the red suit tech sentence is a little jarring. Maybe something along the lines of "he glanced over at a movement and saw the red..." I think it would flow better like that.
I would like something that states he doesn't know where he is before that.
And again personally I have a problem with the last sentence "only you don't remember". Stated that way sounds a bit clumsy to me. Of course I have used the same words because I couldn't think of a better way of saying it so there may not be.
And remember this all comes from someone who seems to have forgotten what I once knew about writing
I will be interested in readers when I finish my first draft.
quote:
He recognised the first three as pictures from his birth,
How about...
The first three were pictures from his...
quote:
Jed gazed over the neural recording consoles and cloning capsules that looked exactly as he’d drawn them in his technical plans.
Jed gazed over the neural recording consoles and cloning capsules, identical to the schematics he'd drawn in his technical plans.
Five images projected onto a screen in front of Jed.
I feel like I need more information about where Jed is. What kind of screen is it? Is he at home? in the office? In the lab? What kind of lab? I know you go into it later but I feel like I want it when you mention 'screen'. If Jed is suppose to be disoriented, like he doesn't quite know where he is, then mention that, so that way as a reader we know it's OK to be disoriented. Or, I think we can just change sequences around a little to fix this. Also I don't think you need to mention the fourth picture because it sort of takes the shock and tension away from that fifth picture which I'm assuming is the big deal. I'd just find some other way to establish his rough age (or the age he thinks he is--maybe in something he says later on), it doesn't have to be now. This is a pretty action focused scene, it's got him surprised, shocked, etc. And it think highlighting that fifth picture better adds a lot to the tension.
Suggestion:
A red suited technician jumped up from her station. “Mr Milton, you shouldn’t be sitting up."
Five images projected onto a screen in front of him. Three were pictures he recognized in in various stages of his life; but the fifth was distorted, showing him aged well beyond his years.
Jed gazed over the [familiar] neural recording consoles and cloning capsules [and wondered if he was dreaming.]
"Don’t be alarmed. You’re in the reboot unit.”
“I can see what this is,” [he return grouchily.]
[How was this here? What the heck was going on?]
[something to show us his reaction would be good]
[He insisted,] “I haven’t built [this] yet.”
The woman flushed. “Yes you have Mr Milton, only you don’t remember.”
Ok so I know I totally changed things around. It's just my opinion. I have a tendency to use dialog to help into scenes like this. Cheers.
I've been a bit slack on this one but am back on it now. I promise to get it finished. Skadder is on my case about it so I better get going.