Does this version read better?REVISED VERSION
Memories ran under her eyelids like streams over shingle river banks.
Mess ran to the edge and leapt. Arms outstretched, her palms slapped down on the metal and her fingers closed tightly around the bar. The rotary clothesline gave a long squeal as it circled around; depositing the dangling girl back onto the small table they had dragged underneath it. “That was ace!” she giggled as she jumped down onto the attached bench seat and then the grass of their front lawn.
The blade dragged down the inside of her bare arm and Mess let out her breath slowly with the pain. Relief washed over her and she felt good. Pain felt good. She lifted the knife and drew another straight scarlet line through her pale skin.
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Tonight I had a go at hybridizing two totally different stories of mine to see what I got. Both were starts of fantasy novels, one children's novel and one adults novel. Looking for critique on the first 13 as well as readers of the rest of the story. Cheers
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Original First 13
Mess ran to the edge and leapt. Arms outstretched, her palms slapped down on the metal and her fingers closed tightly around the bar. The rotary clothesline gave a long squeal as it made its way around the circle, eventually depositing the dangling girl back onto the small table they had dragged underneath it. “That was ace!” she giggled as she jumped down onto the attached bench seat and then the grass of their front lawn.
The blade dragged down the inside of her bare arm and Quinn let out her breath slowly with the pain. Relief washed over her and she felt good. Pain felt good. She lifted the knife and drew another straight scarlet line through her pale skin. Memories ran under her eyelids like streams over shingle river banks.
[This message has been edited by Delli (edited September 08, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Delli (edited September 08, 2010).]
I have some impression that the first paragraph is a memory of Quinn's, yet the names are different. So I'm left a little confused by this.
I might also tighten up the prose a bit in the second sentence.
something like "The rotary clothesline squealed as it circled around and deposited the dangling girl back onto the small table they had dragged underneath it."
I like the juxtaposition of the fun memory with Quinn's self mutilation(borderline personality disorder?). The problem is I'm uncertain if the two are connected because of the inconsistency in labeling if they ARE the same person.
My problem with my first 13 now is that I have two sentences in a row where the second word is "ran". I'm not sure it flows quite right and I'm wondering whether the extra switch between memory and reality, italics and normal text, jolts the reader around too much. I'm considering moving the first line back to where it was now that the name confusion has (hopefully) been cleared up?
I get a clear picture of the first part, it's not to wordy and is concise. But I was confused about the second part. I was wondering when she pulled the knife out and why she would say that about pain when she just had some fun. But if the second scene is later and the first was a memory then okay. Perhaps she was a young girl in the first and an older teen or young adult in the second.
I wonder what happened to her to get her into that state.
The second version is a bit better than the first. It just seems to flow better.
That is really all I have.