quote:

---

The sun streamed onto the deck and half-blinded Tina as she stepped through the doorway. “Have a little more respect!” She shouted and shook her fist high in the air above her head. Incorrigible, these new Gods. No respect for their elders. Young sunny boy up there had only been around for how long? A few billion years? He thought he was all that and a bag of potato chips just for being a great ball of burning gas. Oh suuuure, without him, there would be no life on Earth – but what was that compared to being the God of Procrastination. Now THAT was an important job. Tina took it very seriously. All her Godly reports and paperwork were handed in on schedule – even if they were at the last minute. She’d been here since the dawn of time. Not like young bright eyes up there.

---

ETA - Have actually added more to this story, so it is close on 1800 words. Not that that makes much of a difference!

[This message has been edited by Delli (edited September 13, 2010).]
 

I'll swap you. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

I'll just need your email address and we'll be set.

PB

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 13, 2010).]
 

A few small things caught my attention. I have never liked elongating vowels "suuuure" because usually the tone of the piece conveys that just fine. I don't think it's necessary here. Same thing with capitalizing "THAT" for emphasis. I got the meaning and tone without needing the all caps.

One thing that confused me is how the God of Procrastination can predate the sun. Or people for that matter. Maybe I'm overthinking it. Or perhaps it's answered later.

It's an interesting concept. I'd like to read your story further if you want.
 

jazzknits - Cheers for the feedback I've never really liked elongated vowels and capitalization for emphasis either - but as this story is a little nonsensical and ridiculous, I thought perhaps I could break those rules. I may still change it after some more revision though.

I do address the issue of Procrastination predating the sun later on in the story but it may not be to your liking, not much of the story is logical I would be more than happy to send you the story. You can either send me an email (will add it to my profile now) so that I can reply or post your email address here.

[This message has been edited by Delli (edited September 13, 2010).]
 

I found it humorous even though I haven't read Terry, that Terry that is,

Actually there's not much I can say about it. It almost feels like there's too much info there. And I'm not quite sure about that first sentence, it feels like it doesn't fit with the rest of of it... its tone maybe.

That's about all I have.

I wouldn't mind reading it but that's because I think it sounds interesting, especially being so short, but I'm not sure if I could say much about it.

I don't mind if you don't have any further comment on it besides you liked/didn't like the rest of it. Anything is a big help.
 

Maybe pushing back some of the comical self-description about paperwork till later could free up the opening for some sign of plot.
 

Hmm, not sure if I should place my comments here or via E-mail.

Nice overall story, entertaining. But something didn't feel right and I had to read it a second time to figure it out.

One thing the flow-pacing seemed off. I know very short story but that is how it felt.

The thoughts on the feminist movement seemed to come out of no where. Should be at least a separate paragraph if not something to trigger the thought.

And who was the short neighbor? Another god or a real human?

When the sun goes behind the small cloud, Tina shouts to let the poor thing go. Was that the cloud?

Some nice descriptions and you got the basics across-as I said it's a nice story. But parts seem almost disjointed and almost too long. Not sure what to cut and I'm not sure if that last part isn't my personal tastes showing through. But it wouldn't hurt to try to shorten a couple scenes.