***FINISHED FIRST DRAFT*** Here is a story I'm working on, sort of an old-fashioned sci-fi piece. It's a little sparse. Maybe too sparse. Just wanted to get y'all's take on it as a first thirteen. Thanks!
There’s not much to do in Wellington. I think that’s why I took up murder, to escape the same old boring s*** day in and day out. It’s not that I had anything personal against my victims. They were just… there. Simple as that. Nothing personal. I don’t remember exactly how many victims there were total. Maybe seven or eight? Not really sure - I lost count. But I do remember the day I gave it up for good. I was alone that day, my parents gone to town for groceries or some other excuse. I hadn’t woke up that morning with murder on my mind. To tell you the truth I was getting kind of bored with it. But when I stepped out into the misty October morning and spotted movement on the stone wall that ran along the edge of my yard...
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited October 21, 2010).]
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
I'm turned off by the protag right away because of his casual attitude toward murder. I wouldn't read any further than the first thirteen because of it.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
He hasn't murdered anyone. The end of the last sentence (of this first thirteen) makes it very clear.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Unless you consider squirrel hunting murder.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
You could make room in the first 13 for that important next line by editing out some of the repetitiveness.
It's not that I had anything personal against my victims. They were just… there. Simple as that. Nothing personal.
The 'Nothing personal' line is a repeat of 'It's not that I had anything personal'. Perhaps that could become:
I had nothing personal against my victims. They were just…there.
The next line is repetitive as well: I don't remember...Maybe...Not really sure...I lost count.
Good luck with it.
Posted by Ethereon (Member # 9133) on :
Isn't the term murder usually reserved for the killing of humans, or creatures valued on par with humans? ie. an animal rights activist might call this boy's actions murder, but why would he, since his attutude is so casual? Perhaps killing?
I must say I was also turned off since the MC appeared to be a sociopath and nothing particular was going on to make him an interesting sociopath.
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
Yes, murder is reserved for killing other humans and specifically regarded to the law. I would use a different word than murder and even then the wanton killing of animals makes him a sociopath which can be a difficult protagonist to pull off.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Ouch! Good points guys. Thanks! I was going for tongue-in-cheek, but failed miserably. It's apparent when you get past the first thirteen, not so much from what I've posted here. As for wanton killing of animals, he eats everything he kills. (Squirrels are pretty good by the way.)
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Yeah, I didn't get that whole, tongue-in-cheek thing. If I was just picking up the book and read your first 13 lines, I'd have to read it again after a couple of more paragraphs just to make sure I got it right. I'd stay away from the old blase murder lines and go with more blase hunting thoughts, if that's what you were aiming at. (pun intended)
Posted by DerekBalsam (Member # 8471) on :
You could just say "killing" instead of murder if you want.
Personally I liked the casual way your MC used 'murder'. Since we're not supposed to regard murder casually, this sets up a tension, or even a confusion, in the reader's mind. It's this tension that the other commenters are referring to. But tension and confusion are good things in writing, I think -- as long as you resolve them properly.
In this case, the way your MC tosses around the word 'murder' means either (1) dang, this is a real cold-blooded character, something's not right about him or (2) something's not right about the scenario. It turns out that (2) is correct -- it's squirrels, not people -- but the thought of (1) kept us, the readers, sending our minds into scary places. Nice.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks! That's what I was going for. I'm still working through the first draft. Then I'll look it over and send it out to anyone who's interested.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
First draft's done at around 6300 words. This is my version of a comic Sci-Fi/horror tale. If anyone has some time to waste and would like to take a look let me know. Thanks!
Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :
Well, I was intrigued by the MC's apparent sociopathy, and the tone of the first two lines seemed to indicate there would be some subtle humor as well...so I'm disappointed to find out he's talking about squirrels.
I don't need to like a MC to want to read his story. I just need to like the way his story's told...and I was liking this one.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
(Shrug) Just goes to show you can't please everybody. But I promise that this is NOT about squirrel hunting. Thanks for your interest!