Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First few lines

This is topic First few lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by John Madsen Wood (Member # 9262) on :

FATHER JOSEPH
7 Elul, 3772 AM (11 August, 12 AD)
Joseph awoke early, as was his custom. Fifty years of rising early to begin a workday was a difficult habit to break. In any event, he enjoyed this time in early morning to bring back memories he cherished. He had lived a good and productive life that was filled mostly with pleasant memories. The few bad memories he recalled were always accompanied by knowledge of attendant blessings that had come from the adversity. The loss of his first wife brought the blessing of Mary and the children they conceived and raised together. The time he and Mary and the family spent in Egypt because of trying circumstance led to his becoming much more skilled and subsequent good fortune for his business.
The memories on this morning concerned the previous week spent

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 23, 2010).]

Posted by Scout (Member # 7919) on :

Where is this going? I would like to see some of that in the first paragraph. It was also a bit tough to read in terms of pacing. There was little to keep my interest and keep me reading.

I pushed through the first paragraph and later found some more interesting items about the sons. That there were TWO brothers at the temple got my interest, though a bit late. Then I also started to figure out that you were writing about THE Mary and Joseph.

Who is the story really about? Where it it going? Get me hooked in the first paragraph, then you can tell me about how Joseph's days start (if it is relevant).

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

You probably don't know this because you are a new member, but if all of those lines are part of your beginning, a good few of those will be cut because it violates the "13 line" rule.

I'm just saying, because Mrs. Kathleen, the administrator, will probably end up cutting up to the 13 line mark.

A good way to figure out if it is exactly 13 lines is to look at the top and bottom of where you would normally post your beginning, then when you see that the top and bottom show your "13 lines", without scrolling up or down, then you know it's 13 lines. At least, she will tell you something like that. (Sorry about my poor explanation if you didn't understand it) But anyway, I just thought you should know that.

[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited September 22, 2010).]

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

Ok, this will get cut after the words "previous week spent", so I will only comment up to that point. The first two sentences are ok, they set up the character as working class and old. But then it loses any drive to keep reading (exept for the line about Egypt, which is interesting as it makes the knowledgeable reader suddenly understand who the man is). I suppose the reason is that old folk are supposed to have memories, so explaining that he has them feels redundant - especially as his current memories were not about what you immediately described.

It might be worth pushing down your urge to explain things. (That is something that I have to consciously do too, I am an explainer - and I write mainly SF which is a genre that allows more than usual, yet I still have to repress my urge.) Explanations often reduce the immersive nature of reading because it summarises rather than creating hints for the imagination (and I suspect therefore uses a different part of the brain). So beware of that risk - you want reader to be so immersed that they don't want to put it down.

Also, I didn't sense any tension that would interest me. It seems to offer a character oriented story, but what is it about the character that would keep me reading? At this point, I don't know. So, sorry, it wouldn't keep me reading past the first couple of paragraphs.

Posted by DerekBalsam (Member # 8471) on :

He had lived a good and productive life that was filled mostly with pleasant memories. The few bad memories he recalled were always accompanied by knowledge of attendant blessings that had come from the adversity.

The loss of his first wife brought the blessing of Mary and the children they conceived and raised together. The t
ime

John,

You seem to have the same problem I do -- my first drafts have too many words. The content is good, but it's hard to muddle through all the words to get to it. I've taken up writing flash fiction to help myself get over this.

As an example, I think you could take these groups of sentences and collapse them into a single sentence each:

(group 1)Joseph awoke early, as was his custom. Fifty years of rising early to begin a workday was a difficult habit to break. In any event, he enjoyed this time in early morning to bring back memories he cherished.

(group 2)He had lived a good and productive life that was filled mostly with pleasant memories. The few bad memories he recalled were always accompanied by knowledge of attendant blessings that had come from the adversity.

etc.

Just a thought,

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

I'll just throw my 2 cents in.

This whole beginning is back story and doesn't belong in the first 13 lines. I suggest you start with Joseph doing something or going somewhere or talking to someone so we can get a feel for who he is without you just telling us.

Then see if any of this back story is necessary for the reader to understand the character or the story. Usually it is not necessary.