I enjoyed the tit-for-tat re: the gravestone/resume.
*** Latest Revision (2) ****
March, 2021, Durham, NC
"Why should some MD worrying about his tee time deliver me from the womb when I could do it myself?"
"Because he knows what he's doing?" asked Dr. Freece, a formerly high-strung fellow I'd turned stoic. He was my doctoral advisor.
"I could do it...be Mom's midwife and deliver myself."
"Weird and dangerous," he said. "Just a stunt."
"Wuss," I said, smiling. "It would look so cool on my resume--assisted my own birth."
"And this would look cool on a gravestone--Here lies Janice Bender: Darwin Award Winner."
He had a point. Time travel wasn't for crybabies.
*
***Revision 1 (added names and such): ***
"It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor, Dr. Freece. "Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
*** Original ****
"It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor. Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Tried to give birth to myself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 12, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 22, 2010).]
It seems a little removed at the start - perhaps it's because the doctoral advisor doesn't have a name. Neither does your POV character. Consider having them use each other's names from the start.
I agree this is a pretty cool idea.
I enjoyed the tit-for-tat re: the gravestone/resume.
I sort of didn't like her using the word 'wuss' and her answer to 'how would you know it worked' but its not enough to make me stop reading.
I meant the 'a girl just knows' bit as dry humor. Immediately after that is a clear admission that a biologist would be needed to answer the question.
I guess I should have explained. I think the 'a girl just knows stuff like that,' would work for me better if you used a more descriptive dialog tag. One of those rare cases where I think something that shows she is being flippant or dry. It did occur to me that she might be being dryly funny, but I wasn't sure.
I also would like to see Janice choose different ways to express "wuss" and "stuff like that" - maybe "lacked imagination" or "lacked a backbone" for "wuss" (depending on what exactly Janice finds weak and ineffectual about him)? And something along the lines of "A girl just knows," without the "stuff like that" tacked on, would work better for me.
I definitely got the dry humor in that line, by the way, when she followed it with the biologist comment. Very nice! And it tells the reader that Janice wants to look strong and in control, either because of her particular relationship with her advisor, or because she in general feels the need to look like she has all the answers, even when she (knows she) doesn't.
quote:
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
Neat way to get her name in. However, to work for me, it needs to be split into two sentences or else it feels like the message (i.e. "I've a point to make") is being lost somewhat. Something like
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself. Is that the gravestone you'd like?"
Nice job.
quote:
***Revision (added names and such): ***"It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor, Dr. Freece. "Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
Not bad at all, except that it seems to be missing something. Something that makes it stronger- Could be just me.
For me "wuss" is okay, it gets the point across in just one word. After all he uses "pisses" which is along the same lines.
I think the "Mom's and my plasmas" line sounds funny. It's probably the correct way to say it and therefore you may not be able to find a better sounding way to say it.
Fair warning: I've changed the premise a bit. She's going back to deliver herself, as a midwife, rather than to give birth to herself. I was going for a character-oriented story, and the original premise would take some wild stretches of tech (which I haven't figured out, yet). May go back to the original premise someday soon for a separate story.
So, I hope any readers will base comments on the story I actually wrote, rather than the one pitched originally.
Thanks for all the comments.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 21, 2010).]
I'd like to read, but am swamped at the moment. If you're still looking for readers when I crawl out of the water, count me in.
I loved the quippy back and forth and your dialogue gave me a really good sense of your cheeky MC, as well as setting up intriguing conflict.
My only comment would be that this line -
"asked Dr. Freece, a formerly high-strung fellow I'd turned stoic. He was my doctoral advisor."
- made me stumble a little. I'd cut the description of him and leave that for later as it interrupts the flow of your beautifully crafted dialogue, which brought a HUGE smile to my face. Simply brilliant.
I tried, but the email address in your profile bounced (550: mailbox unavailable)
I'll try again later. If the profile is not up-to-date, let me know...or send me an email.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 28, 2010).]