Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Eternal Day

This is topic The Eternal Day in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

The Eternal Day
Don't have much more than this at the moment. Looking for thoughts on the opening. This is the sequel to my short story Night Side (for which I am seeking readers FYI)

Science Log: 456A.D. 634.5
I received the storage drive retrieved by Dayside operative J46 earlier this morning. I have hooked it up to the retrieval program and am awaiting the results. The download should be done in a few hours.
Science Log: 456A.D. 634.8
The download has finished but the data must have been damaged in the sandstorm. I can’t have TSE send another walker out to try again. They’ve spent enough time on this little project of mine and I know what they’re answer would be. I will send them a transmission anyway, it is worth it to ask. The worst they can say is no, right?

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

You have set up an interesting premise. I'm not sure I like the date/time headings though. I think they can get tiring if used too much.

One thought, the second entry contradicts itself. The character (for whom we do not have a name or anything) says they can't get TSE to send another walker because they've spent too much time on this project, then the character is going to ask them anyway.

This feels to me like it is free form thought which is fine, but I don't think it's necessary, or even advisable this early in the story. Why can't the character just say "I'm gong to ask for another Walker. They'll probably say no, but I'll ask anyway." and have that be the whole second entry? It's shorter and still gets the same point (I think) across.

Overall I found it interesting I would have kept reading.

Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

There is one more after this log and then I go into normal first person. I might have a final one at the end, but that's it.