This is topic My Dear Alice, F/H 6000w, first 13 & looking for crits in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
 
Here are the first 13 of my a story that's been simmering for a while in my drawer. I would be happy to swap crits, if someone wants to read the whole story:

“Drink your tomato juice, Alice.” said her father, neatly cutting the large steak into smaller pieces before he nibbled on them.
“I hate tomato juice,” she said with all the spite a well-groomed young lady could muster but still sound graceful. Alice despised the thick and icky fluid--the way it slid down her throat like mud, the salty, coppery taste.
“Now, now...” her father dabbed his mouth with the tablecloth, “A proper young lady does not fuss about dinner.”
Alice’s gaze wandered to the wide floor, below their box seats. The marble floor glistened under the light of the chandeliers. Tomorrow, on the dance floor, Alice will elect her new sister. She will have the pick of the evening.

 


Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
 
Anyone who dabs his mouth with the tablecloth has no place correcting his daughter's propriety as a young lady.
 
Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :
 
Here are my first impressions:

Whether intentional or not, what grabbed my attention, as Corky mentioned, is that the father dabs his mouth with the tablecloth yet lectures his daughter about manners. If this hypocrisy in deportment is part of the story, then I do like the detail. Otherwise, it just seems out of place.

Also, I found it odd that they are sitting in box seats. In North America, if you have "box seats" it means you have the best seats in a venue, such as a concert, the opera, or sports game. Again, for all I know they are in fact sitting in box seats inside an old opera house, and this is revealed later in the scene.

Overall, I do like the scene described. If you like, I can read the rest of your story and give my comments (I like using Google Documents).

Best of luck!
 


Posted by KMMeyer (Member # 9278) on :
 
Good job getting a hook in early. I was instantly curious about why she got to choose her own sister. I really liked the fact that the father used the tablecloth to wipe his mouth. The hypocrisy was funny, and I felt it really added to his character.

Nice start
 


Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
 
Excellent start - I'd definitely read on. Might even consider swapping stories if I can get mine done fairly soon. How far along are you?

Nit-picks:

quote:
“Drink your tomato juice, Alice.(,)” said her father, neatly cutting the large steak into smaller pieces before he nibbled on them.(nice - not Mr. Manners)
“I hate tomato juice,” she said with all the spite a well-groomed young lady could muster but still sound graceful. Alice despised the thick and icky fluid--the way it slid down her throat like mud, the salty, coppery taste. (great description)
“Now, now...(use a comma instead - it's a better pause due to grammar rules)” her father dabbed his mouth with the tablecloth (great), “A (a) proper young lady does not fuss about dinner.”
Alice’s gaze wandered to the wide floor, below their box seats. The marble floor glistened under the light of the chandeliers. Tomorrow, on the dance floor, Alice will (would - past participle vs. inconsistent verb tense) elect her new sister. She will (would) have the pick of the evening.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 21, 2010).]
 


Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
 
My story is done, Philocinemas.

I could send you my story now, and I'd crit yours whenever you are ready, if you have no problem with that.

By the way the tablecloth thing was intentional and I changed "box seats" to "balcony".

Thank you guys.

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited October 21, 2010).]
 


Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
 
I am going out of town for the weekend and will be back Monday. You can send it, but I won't have time to get to it until sometime next week. I'm still working on mine.
 


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