Hatrack River Writers Workshop: You

This is topic You in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :

I'm being stupid and trying to write a story in 2nd person. Its an "experiment." I'll probably crash and burn but here's my first thirteen anyway for your ridicule/enjoyment.

You wake up in a dark room. You try to sit up only to realize that you can’t find your arms. Or your legs. You would scream in you could only find your mouth. “This isn’t real,” you think, “I—
“I. Who am I? Where am I? What am I?” You fight the panic that is quickly overwhelming your mind. You open your eyes and think, “I have eyes!” Upon seeing the world you quickly close newfound eyes tighter than before. So much. You open your eyes again, squinting against the torrent of data assaulting your sense. It is more bearable now that you’re expecting it, but you have to fight yourself from running and hiding in the darkness of your mind.
—Can anyone here me? You ask, but without a mouth you don’t know how.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

Second person can be a tough sell, but I recently read this story in second person that I loved. It might give you some inspiration.

http://daybreakmagazine.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/daybreak-fiction-shes-all-light/

Posted by dysfunction (Member # 4588) on :

Second-person CAN work, but IMHO it often needs some sort of gimmick to justify it. Beyond it being second-person, your fragment doesn't excite me at all; you need to differentiate it from other stories using this "You're/I'm alone in a dark room" opening.

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

Hmm. Second person. Waking up opening. You have no mouth but you must scream. You are making it hard for yourself.

Hey, that last one may be the gimmick you are looking for. Perhaps if the MC has become a slot machine. Or, in a broader direction, if the last memory was of stars blinking out or some reference to cold equations. Perhaps a fleeting thought for his best friend, Algernon. (I think I am having way too much fun, now, trying to think up potential references. It might be a fun thing to do, but I suspect you are going in an entirely different direction. So the point that you have two cliches and a strong external reference is very difficult to overcome unless you are making fun of the genre.)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Waking is a cliche, see Turkey City Lexicon.

HEAR not HERE.

Nice try but it doesn't work for me.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Not meaning to pile on, but the cliches are making it hard to take seriously. You need something novel to pull us in...

Posted by DavidS (Member # 9303) on :

Nothing wrong with experimenting. If nothing else it can show why things are generally done the way they are.

Yes, you might want to avoid the waking up cliche.

If you want to see second person done well, seek out Peter Kocan's The Treatment and The Cure. These are two autobiographical novellas, often published in one book, both written in second person. They tell of Kocan's experience in an asylum, so can be a bit harrowing, but worth seeking out.

A short excerpt:

quote:
You go down into the garden with the others and start digging. You work steadily, not daring to take a breather much. You want to show what a good inmate, a model inmate, you are. Dedicated. Eager to please. Then you get afraid you might be giving a wrong impression. You might be overdoing it. Showing “Obsessional Tendencies.” Digging too much might be like cleaning windows too much.

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

Sorry, that really didn't work for me.

Whenever I read 2nd person I automatically look for the bit at the bottom of the page thats says: Turn to page 57 to go through the door, page 98 to open the chest or page 326 to drink the contents of the suspicious looking bottle

That and the random number on the bottom corner to use instead of dice