2200 words approx, just want feedback on the first thirteen for now. Thanks.
‘Why the devil would you return to this part of the world at this time of year when the sun hides beneath the horizon all day and it’s cold enough to freeze your wiener off, boy?’ Doctor Harold Lietske smiles mysteriously at the question and gazes out the window into the manor house’s expansive grounds. The shadows are already gathering, accentuated by a single gas lamp that illuminates the dying rose garden just beyond the study window. The statue of some distant ancestor stands in the cone of light as though on a spot-lit stage, frost sparkling on his ancient stone head. ‘For the darkness,’ Harold says finally. ‘Or rather the things that thrive within it’. It’s a carefully weighed response; just the right amount of ambiguity that will irk his Uncle Henry, a highly decorated,
[This message has been edited by Grimwood (edited November 08, 2010).]
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
To me this had a whimsy reminiscent of a Heinlein-like tale. Both in the humour of the first speaker's narrative and the "doctor/young man" relationship. Speculative element? Adequate but fell a bit short to me. Perhaps a matter of preference. Hook/lure? To me this was the weakest element due to the fact that I had difficulty relating to a character besides the dark human nature, staring out the window at my own depression sort of thing which to me was the most compelling aspect of this piece but in itself not effective to lure most readers. I recommend darkening this up a great deal. The more primal the better. Scene seemed a bit mundane considering the supposed nature of this story. You might break out the brush to get a few more strokes in. I would turn the page...skeptically,though.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Welcome to Hatrack! Feels a little emotionally remote and cool to me, but maybe it's just the style - manor house & all that. overall nicely written, but it doesn't have a hook yet. One minor nit: from the first paragraph, I assumed that it has been cold for a while, extremely cold. Then the rose garden shouldn't be dying - it should be dead.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I liked this. The hook, for me, is the setting...a manor in an unusual setting, the night creatures and the writing.
Nits:
The conjunction of boy and Doctor may leave the reader wondering if Lietske is the one questioned until the next paragraph.
This seems a bit awkward: ...just the right amount of ambiguity that will irk his Uncle Henry....
Consider something like: ...just enough ambiguity to irk his Uncle Henry....
Good luck with it.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
I phased out after "gas lamp" and then returned at the dialog. The description was a bit much and a bit static for me. When I got to the dialog, while it was more interesting than the description, I don't think I was as fully curious as I could have been. Consider having the characters interact with the setting, and if they can do it in a way that sets up the dialog and piques interest, even better.