This is fantasy with a Pacific island feel, about 5000 words.
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Version 1
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt the mass and the majesty; felt the age, the anger, the pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following the faults and cracks. Tanila locked on to one of these ribbons and followed inward, downward, searching for the source.
In the depths of the mountain he could feel the heat and the pressure. The streams of pain distorted and tangled here. Tanila followed as best he could, edging closer to his goal.
He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. Suddenly a path opened and Tanila darted along it.
Version 2:
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt its mass and majesty; felt its age, its anger, its pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following the faults and cracks. Tanila locked on to one of these ribbons and followed inward, downward, searching for the source.
In the depths of the mountain he could feel its heat and pressure. The streams of pain distorted and tangled here. Tanila followed as best he could, edging closer to his goal.
He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. He found a flaw and worked at it, widening it, driving a wedge through the barrier, until at last he was through
[This message has been edited by DavidS (edited November 08, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by DavidS (edited November 09, 2010).]
Having a problem, no matter how minor, "suddenly" solved for the point of view character tends to rob the story of a conflict opportunity. If you have Tanila do something to solve the problem, on the other hand, the reader learns a little more about the point of view character, and it can make the introduction more interesting.
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt its mass and majesty; felt its age, anger, and pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following its faults and cracks.
In the mountain's depths he could feel its heat and pressure....
Okay, I'll admit my age. 'became the mountain' left me no choice but to think of a U.S. TV Western series, Kung Fu, where the main character's master was forever saying to Kwai Chang Caine, 'be the fill-in-the-blank, Grasshopper.' It's a bit of a running joke for the older set who saw the show.
redapollo9: Thank you for your offer. I'll email you the story shortly.
Corky: You're right, the last sentence was weak. I've modified it in the new version.
WouldBe: Good pickup on the use of "the". I've made some changes to reflect that.
I suspect I'm a similar age to you, but never got into King Fu. I'll take that on board, but keep the sentence for the moment unless others also find it distracting.
Oh yes, and "the mountain" does get a name fairly soon, too.
For example:
quote:
He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. He found a flaw and worked at it, widening it, driving a wedge through the barrier, until at last he was through
Describe the barrier. Is it sharp-edged or buoyant?
Instead of "Surely this was the source", consider, "He had found it!"
At "He found a flaw..." really work the description of the energies and how he's manipulating them.
For me, the wording is a bit plain and passive. You're describing a volcano - make it feel like one.