As his eyes slowly opened wider, the view became more recognizable. He was in a room with metal walls. He was lying on a table unable to move anything but his head. He raised it slightly and his eyes circled the metal room; it reminded him of the one time he was in an operating room for surgery when he blew his knee out as a teenager. Directly in front of him stood two large cabinets with metal doors, and some with glass doors directly ahead and to his right. What appeared to be bandages and instruments of some sort were inside with labels that likely kept the contents organized.
With a little motivation, he pulled his head perpendicular to his numb body.
Standard disclaimer, anything I say is with the best of intent to help you as a writer
I'd recommend trying for a different type of start for your story for several reasons:
- A 'waking up' start is considered cliche because it has been done so many times. I'm not the type to say a cliche must ALWAYS be avoided, but the use should be considered carefully.
-There are a lot of passive verbs here and passive voice...
"He was lying" , "the view became more recognizable", etc..
In some sense it makes sense since the character is restrained, but it also makes the prose less engaging.
- All the scene setting, describing objects that are both inanimate and not doing anything, also does not provide a hook for the reader. There are lots of descriptions that seem superfluous; do I really need to know that the cabinetry is labeled for organization? If it is important to the story, include, otherwise keep the scene setting to just one or two details.
Consider that you want fiction to feel immediate and active. Put yourself behind the eyeballs of the characters, and put them in situations where something is happening.
quote:
With a little motivation, he pulled his head perpendicular to his numb body.
This sentence illustrates a couple of problems. The first problem is what I guess you could call the 'author puppeteer' problem, where characters feel to the reader as if they are being controlled by the author(this is often an indication that the author isn't really immersed in the character's POV). The words that create this effect are "...he pulled his head..." To pulls one head sounds very strange, as pulling usually requires the use of one's hands to pull an object, and since we know his hands are tied down, how could he possibly pull his own head?
Obviously, that isn't what you meant, which leads to the second problem. It unnecessarily complicates an action that could simply be stated as "he raised his head" or "he craned his neck." These are more standard ways to describe what the MC is doing and therefore don't call attention to themselves. Even better than this would be to completely remove the focus from the action of bending one's own neck and simply say that he looked down at his own feet or whatever it is he is trying to look at.
Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 14, 2010).]
The sentence: "What appeared to be bandages and instruments of some sort were inside with labels that likely kept the contents organized." really bothers me. This line is too long and too weak? How is this better than "Bandages and instruments were in labeled containers."? Phrases like "What appeared to be" and "that likely" weaken the writing. And what else would labels be used for than to help with organization?
I think if I was going to tackle the "waking in an odd room" cliche, I'd focus on something other than the waking. Maybe try something along the lines of "The paralysis and fear weren't the worst part of waking up in the strange room; it was the itch on the tip of John's nose that he couldn't scratch." It is still the cliche, but it isn't the waking up.
Or, skip ahead to when something is actually happening. Dunno. Just a thought.
This is scary as hell. He's restrained or paralyzed in an operating room alone.
So, first of all, is there some reason he's keeping quiet? I'd be screaming loudly, calling out for help or an explanation.
He is literally disembodied, a head, and he's looking around to give me (the reader) a description? I want to know why he's even looking around. What's going on in his head? How is he staying so cool in this situation? Is he used to such situations?
So, in a way, it raises so many questions that I'm hooked. But, hey, I'd be screaming.
And, waking up not feeling your body is nerve racking. Seriously. Even if you know you had an epidural, it leaves intellectual behind immediately. The guy should be choking, having trouble swallowing. The body, when it's numb, is like it's cemented and the head with it.
Anyway, I don't mind cliches either. I've read published stories with the waking up cliche so I know it can be done. In fact one writer seems to like to start a new series of novels that way. But at the same time it is a cliche and needs to be done differently and this is not different. I hate to say it but its a cliche within a cliche. Over all though I got his emotion and I could see what he saw.
But that didn't sound like an operating room, it sounds more like an examination room. Of course I have only been in a couple operating rooms and seen a bunch on the big and small screens. But I've been in lots of examination rooms.
The description did seem a little overdone but however you may change it try for other senses. You got sight but did he hear anything or nothing? Did he feel or not feel since his body was numb, the bed? Did he have a metallic or hangover taste in his mouth? Or wherever else he can taste. Sorry had to be a smart aleck with my own words there.
But if you can keep the emotion that would be good. Maybe start after he is awake. Like" he stared at the cabinets in confusion, his mind seemed to be as numb as his body. He couldn't understand why he didn't he feel the operating table or the straps that kept him on it. For that matter how he got here or where was everyone?"
I'm sure that not the best way to start but it might give you an idea.