Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Inimical Rocks (13,000 words -- SF)

This is topic Inimical Rocks (13,000 words -- SF) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :

Jason held the tiller steady as the boat wallowed on the back side of a following wave, easily maintaining course for the distant headland, the half way point on their voyage around Neptune Two’s fringe islands. A pleasant breeze pushed the 20-foot sailboat – a perfect size for three teenage boys -- steadily over the calm water without problem or challenge.
"Jase!" yelled Steph from the door of the boat's small cabin. Jason's cheerful reply to his companions died on his lips as the boat lurched sideways. "Are you trying to get us killed?" Jason gaped at the plumes of white water surrounding the boat that had been a calm sea just a moment before. As the wave raised the boat, he could see a rock... no, a whole reef of rocks! Dead ahead! How could he have not seen that?

Cut #2 in response to babooher's comments:

"Jase!" yelled Steph from the door of the sailboat's small cabin. "Are you trying to get us killed?" Jason's cheerful greeting to his companion died on his lips as the boat lurched sideways. Jason gaped at the plumes of white water surrounding the boat where there had been only calm sea just a moment before. As the wave raised the boat, he could see a rock... no, a whole rocky reef! And they were headed for it… fast!

[This message has been edited by stutson (edited December 19, 2010).]

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

This just felt flat. I think this is starting in the wrong place. To me, there's no hook. I'd start with "Jason gaped at the plumes of white water surrounding the boat..." to get us into the action faster. You can then describe the situation to give us more info.

Even that might be a kind of weak intro. You might try something along the lines of "They were headed towards the rocks. Fast."

The writing is clear, but not alive.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

The second version is definitely better, a better hook.

We're in Jason's POV...would he think of himself as about to make a cheerful greeting to his companion? Or would he phrase it differently? Jason's snappy retort, Jason's relief at seeing Steph, Jason's pleasure at seeing Steph....give us some idea what the relationship is, what kind of person Jason is. Of course, you may have done just that -- he may indeed be the kind of person who thinks of himself as making a cheerful greeting to his sailing companion -- but since I don't know him at all yet, that phrase tugs on my awareness as potential author intrusion.

If I give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume the choice of words is deliberate, then I make these assumptions about Jason (especially combined with his thoughts in the next two lines): he's a bit simple-minded, good natured and cheerful but not the sharpest tool in the shed...perhaps even mentally challenged.

This is only my take on it -- others may not read it this way at all, in which case you should definitely shrug my comments off.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

()

"Jase!" yelled Steph from the door of the sailboat's small cabin. "Are you trying to get us killed?" Jason's cheerful (Cheerful?) to his companion died on his lips as the boat lurched sideways. Jason gaped at the plumes (I wouldn't describe a wave as a plume--a plume is a feather and in my mind a plume of water is more like column of water from an explosion--tall and thin) white water surrounding the boat where there had been only calm sea just a moment before. As the wave raised the boat, he could see (You don't need to say he saw it--it's his POV.) a rock... no, a whole rocky reef! And they were headed for it… fast!

Jason’s mind reeled. How could he not have seen that? Only a moment ago, he had been guiding their boat over a calm sea, easily maintaining course for the distant headland, the half way point on their celebratory voyage around Neptune Two’s fringe islands. Now, without warning, they were in heavy surf, crashing into a (This whole 'moments ago' business is retrospective and info dumpy--then you redundantly repeat ( ) the whole crashing into a rock situation. It simply slows the action down and removes any urgency.)

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 19, 2010).]

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Cut #2 is definitely better, stutson, but I have to agree with skadder's review. Those exact sections hit me funny as I read them.

It's good to revamp the direction you were coming from but remember to clear up the writing to coincide with the emotional events and circumstances.

I'm trying not to say things again, two times over, skadder.

Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :

Good input. I want Jason to be jerked out of having been lulled into complacency. I'll try again. Thanks.