Here's something outside my comfort zone. Finished at around 600 words, accidentally deleted and now being rewritten from memory. Just wanted to know if anyone would read on. Thanks!
Simmelson Wit hated buttons. All that damnable pushing! It was the reason he had moved to X3J-MB642.701 in the first place. Back in X3J-MB64.699 there had been buttons everywhere; it was push if you wanted to use the com-sender, push if you wanted a breakfast implant, push if you needed to use the fecal extractor. Always push, push, push! Made him feel like a commoner, being forced to use his finger in such a trivial way. And Simmelson Wit was certainly no commoner. He was First Adjutant to Supreme Programmer Archibald, Minister of Viral Defense for this sector of the Central Nerve. But here he was, forefinger extended to perform the unthinkable. He caught himself at the last second. “Would you repeat those instructions, please?” he asked, blinking in astonishment.
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited January 07, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited January 07, 2011).]
Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :
I think it's great. I'd definitely read on.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I agree, great start. No complaints here.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Wow. The whole thing caught my attention. Nice work.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Yep, I'd read on.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks gang! Your checks are in the mail.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
LOL
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Nice, fun, good style. Yep, I'd read on.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I like the overall idea. For readability, I would lose the X3J-MB642... designations, or at least shorten it to 3 or 4 characters.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Yep, I agree it was over the top - but intentionally over the top. The designations were supposed to be ridiculous. I might get rid of some numbers though. It does make you stumble when reading them. Thanks
Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :
I thought the designations were perfect for this story, FWIW. In a piece that took itself more seriously, they would be ponderous, but they were just right here.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I'm gonna take the middle road here, I think you'd be fine if you just dropped the .699 designation. I think the long and silly name is a great satire on how scientists name things.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
I love the MC's name. Reminds me of Simpleton Wits. Nice.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks PB&Jenny! I modeled the MC after myself.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
It's done! First draft anyway. 600 words somehow morphed into 1400 words. Anyway, I'm looking for readers to give me feedback. As I said, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, so I'm looking for plot holes. Of course, this isn't a serious piece, so I don't expect it to be technically accurate, just consistent. Thanks all!
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
I'd love to offer my services as a reader/giver of feedback, but I'll be indisposed this week. If you could send it to me anyway I'll get to it by Friday night.
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited January 10, 2011).]
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
No problem PB&Jenny! No rush at all. Thanks!
Posted by melindabrasher (Member # 9373) on :
Loved it. I would critique it all for you. melindabrasher4@yahoo.com
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Why thank you melinda! I'll send it right out.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
I'll take a look. I only have fifteen thousand things to do, but I could use a break, or at least another excuse for another break.
Ah, procrastination, the writer's Devil.
Send it, I need excuses.
W.
"But dear I can't do the dishes right now. I have to work on this important crit. for Anderson."
[This message has been edited by walexander (edited January 11, 2011).]
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
You might end up wishing you'd done the dishes instead. LOL. I'll send it right out. Thanks.
Posted by Zenner (Member # 9375) on :
This concept seems really interesting. I laughed at "fecal extractor".
The names for the places - X223523.222, etc., are way too long in my opinion. You're clearly inside a person's head in third-limited POV - and I can't think of anyone that would think of such a long form. You might consider abbreviating it.
Also, the long title you gave for the character was a bit off-putting. I have no idea what any of that means, and it's too early yet for me to care.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks Zenner. I'll do some more work on it after I get some crits back.
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
This is an excellent hook. Had my attention from the beginning. My first thought was why would anyone hate buttons. I would love to read the whole thing.
I did have to read it three times before I noticed that the two place designations were different.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Thanks EVOC! Yeah, I might need to change the designations. I can send it out to you if you want.
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
I would be glad to read it. Email it over to me.
Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
I am available if you are still looking for readers.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Nice.