"Director?" It was the perfectly modulated female voice of the facility's AI. Vikan Janski paused. Speakers embedded in the smooth rock wall of the corridor focused the voice; it was as though a woman had whispered to him, her lips almost touching his ear. His stomach tightened. "Yes? What is it?" "A sub-orb has departed Catalique City's s-port and is on approach. It will arrive in two hours and fifty-eight minutes. It has all the proper authorizations." "Were we expecting anyone?" "No." Vikan lifted an eyebrow. "So who is it?" "Senator Querin is the passenger." "Sh*t."
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 16, 2011).]
Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
Great start, I'd read on. A tiny nit though: why does his stomach constrict when the AI speaks to him? Has he been awaiting the visit the whole day?
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
I like it. I wonder about the stomach tightening too, since it is clear he did not expect anyone. Too me it is something that I did not trip up on, if anything it makes me want to read on to see why.
Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :
Per usual, skadder, I enjoyed this.
You succinctly establish your world, protagonist, antagonist, and the sense of impending conflict.
I find much is understood from between the lines. Whether these turn out to be true only further reading will resolve:
* The "Director" Vikan is disturbed by the voice and/or words of his facility's computer. Is it the feminine voice that makes him uneasy, for personal reasons yet unexplained or inconsequential, or does his "stomach clench" because he was anticipating, and seemingly dreading, the information the computer relates? Or both?
* "Senator" Querin has been "authorized" to come to the Director's facility. "Senators"(politicians) mixing with "Directors"(expert/scientist?) screams conflict to me; and the "authorization" suggests the Director is heading something important and secretive.
Dialog is great for hooking a reader. Well done.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited January 16, 2011).]
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
Interesting that you specified a rock wall, which in my mind puts us underground, which in turn implies a military threat (past or present). I think this adds to the sense of urgency implied by an unexpected visitor and the director's reaction to being paged at all.
Nit edit:
quote:"Director?" It was the perfectly modulated female voice of the facility's AI. Vikan Janski paused. Speakers embedded in the smooth rock wall of the corridor focused the voice;
I'd pare this down slightly, thus:
quote:"Director?" Vikan Janski paused. Speakers embedded in the smooth rock wall of the corridor focused the AI's voice;
so you don't wind up describing the voice twice (unless you intended to make the AI seem like an important character right up front by drawing our attention to it). Also the first time tells us what it sounds like, while the second description breathes into our ear.
Otherwise, pretty good.
Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :
I agree with Reziac's edit, but overall great job. The hook engages us with characters and a setting that makes me want to read more.
I have no other nits.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks for the comments.
I agree with the edit above--the first tag is a little redundant.
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
Something else I just noticed, the AI speaks in a very specific structure. So it sounds like a programmed thing, not a person, no matter how "feminine" the voice is. This is good, as it makes a slight but real contrast with the naturalness of the Director's dialog. It also adds to the sense of how the Director is not quite in control of the situation (impending conflict).
Which probably means you've got a good feel for dialog across the board.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I half agree with Reziac's concerns and edits. The two opening paragraphs do need some parring down but his trimming left out a key ingredient I believe you were after. I think you are trying to establish that this story setting and your protags mindset. History addressed this concern when he asked of the relationship between the voice and Vikan's anxiety when he hears it. This is important. I think a simple reorganization is in order. But first, consider a couple of word changes.
quote: Vikan paused.
minor, but does 'paused' accurately describe his reaction? Pause is a neutral response. Would 'froze' be closer to the mental state the voice elicits?
quote: His stomach tightened
does sound like he's about to be sick. Consider 'knotted' in its place.
I think a simple rearrangement is what you are after, and maybe a simile to soldify the artificial voice correlation with his anxiety.
quote:"Director?" Vikan Janski froze. Speakers embedded in the smooth rock wall of the corridor focused the perfectly modulated female voice of the facility's AI; as if an angel or goddess had whispered to him, her lips almost touching his ear. His stomach knotted. "Yes? What is it?"
Hope this helps!
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
It's interesting that no-one got (I obviously wrote it poorly) what the stomach tightening was about. I thought the previous line lead the reader to its interpretation. It is tension, not anxiety.
The AI whispering so close in his ear in a female voice (her lips (in his head) only inches away) was a mild turn on. It was in my head anyway. This guy always reacts to her voice this way--it is a minor arc in the story.
So...sexual tension.
I hesitated to use 'his groin stirred', however I must be clearer.
Thanks, Frank! You back from your travels?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 17, 2011).]
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
<blink> Sexual tension?! Nope, I didn't get that. What I did get is that the voice is sensual, maybe bordering on erotic, but the Director finds that just a little frightening, rather than a turn-on. Maybe fear of his own reaction, knowing how it's meant to manipulate him.
Anyway, tension I got, but evidently not the intended type.
Of course it's hard to know for sure with such a small fragment. For all I know, three pages later he might get so turned on that he has, uh, fantasies about the AI
Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :
As it did for Rezlac, the description definitely gave me the sensual-to-erotic vibe, which then seemed incorrect when his stomach tightened. I decided (in that subconscious reader's decision-making) the voice stressed him out, not turned him on.
Hmmm....how about he licked his lips without knowing he did so, or he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, or a thrill knifed up from the bottom of his belly, or he took a brief second to imagine her breath touching his skin, or ....
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
All good ideas, but I think the current mix of tensions (as far as the reader goes) is good--so perhaps it is fine as it is.
If I repeat the effect next she whispers to him, then perhaps the reader will make the connection without being overt about it. I want it to be something that grows in his consciousness (and so the readers).
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
The sensation of heat, whether in the face or elsewhere, is often a very effective indicator.
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
Ah, okay... in that case, it's good how it is, yep.
And if the effect grows slightly over time... that should show us what's going on -- subtle, like the voice, like the reaction. We don't need, or even want to have everything defined perfectly up front; then there's nothing to grow into as we read!
And now I'm wondering just what sort of societal manipulation is going on here, too....
