I stared into the optical cavity of the X39 Renegade laser pistol, thinking that this was not what I had in mind when I planned to retire on the sandy beaches of Eden. Shooting stars jetted across the night sky, illuminating the porcelain face of the Toolek pointing his weapon at me. He motioned his pistol to indicate that he wanted me to move back, closer to the water, and I obliged, not wanting to be vaporized weeks before my retirement.
The tourists were waved near the shoreline as well and we were all instructed to sit down. That part actually pleased me, as my feet were killing me after my narrow escape from the moon known as Q7.
******
Thank you for reading and providing feedback
[This message has been edited by Wordcaster (edited January 16, 2011).]
Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :
I like how you take time out to mark things like "my retirement" and his aching feet. Shows a lot of personality in all the right ways!
Sounds good!
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
In the first line I first thought your MC was holding the laser pistol and was perhaps putting someone in his sights. Then when I read the Toolek was pointing the weapon at him too, I was thinking this was about to be some kind of show down. It took a second reading for me to understand that your MC is some type of captive.
However, with the second reading I do admire how much you establish is a short paragraph. You bring a lot of info into the opening without overloading the reader.
I like the line - "That part actually pleased me..." To be pleased seems like such a contradiction for the MC situation, but it makes him seem real to me.
Richard
Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :
Good point, EVOC. Maybe it should read "I stared down the optical barrel..." for more common nomenclature.
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
Trouble is, it's still the speaker's pistol as it's phrased. I too envisioned him as armed... tho "optical cavity" made me think HIS gun was apart/nonfunctional.
An easy fix would be
I stared into the optical cavity of the Toolek's X39 Renegade laser pistol,
and then we find out what a Toolek looks like (I really like the use of "porcelain face"!) a few lines later. That can be trimmed a bit now that we already know whose gun it is, thus:
the porcelain face of the Toolek pointing his weapon at me. (which is wordy anyway) becomes just the Toolek's porcelain face.
Also, unless we are going to NEED to know the exact model, it's better to just call it a "laser pistol" for now. If the model is important, (for example, if the model tells the POV guy that the gun is stolen because no civilian would own one) drop that in later, but not right up front where we trip over it for no good reason.
Another nits:
He motioned his pistol This really means he motioned TO his pistol (being a common shorthand for that phrase). I think you meant more like "He waggled his pistol". Or "waved his pistol" but then you've got waved twice in a row.
Anyway, nits aside, I like the setup -- lot of information and character illumination in a short space.
[This message has been edited by Reziac (edited January 17, 2011).]
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I will add a third voice to those who thought the POV character had the gun at first. I understand that optical cavity is probably a more acurate term for the barrel of a laser pistol, it makes it sound like he's looking down the site. Take advantage of the connotation of "looking down the (transmission?) barrel of Toolek's laser pistol." I would not spell out the model of the pistol - it makes it read too clunky (at least for me.) Looks like a good start otherwise.
Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :
Spot on feedback. Thank you for the suggestions.
Posted by Smiley (Member # 9379) on :
If it was me, I'd just add a couple words to define it.
quote:I stared into the optical cavity of the X39 Renegade laser pistol pointed at me,
and change
quote:the Toolek pointing his weapon at me.
to
quote:the Toolek holding the weapon.
That way it's set from the beginning. Just my take on it.
[This message has been edited by Smiley (edited January 18, 2011).]
Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
Good start. Lots of tension. I also agree with the optical barrel part-it has a more common ring to it.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
My nit would be to nix the "known as" in the last line and just say "narrow escape from the moon Q7." The appositive phrase works here, lowers the word count without losing understanding, and I think would help keep the reader all snuggly with the story. By having "the moon known as Q7," I think you are pushing the reader away and making your exposition clunkier than it should be.
This has resonance with some decent archetypes. I think you've got some good potential.
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
I actually think the first paragraph worked fine. There was a brief moment of unclarity, but quickly cleared up in the next sentence. My concern would be working it over too much and taking some of the flavor out of it.
I had a bigger issue with the second paragraph where the tourists were waved over. Since he just put the POV character near the water it sounded like they were arriving on a wave. Perhaps a simple substitution of "motioning" at them with the gun to move over by the lead character would be better. I was left with the question as to why his feet hurt after his narrow escape, did he run here from the moon. OK, overstating, but you get the point. A harrowing escape probably isn't hard on the feet unless you have to run a lot. I think maybe just being grateful to sit down because he was worn out in general.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited January 20, 2011).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Clarity is what you are looking for in an intro--as much as possible. The first sentence is says '...this was not what I I had in mind' but fails to define what this is. I think for this to work you need to define the situation before making that statement or the 'this' of it fails to deliver.
Posted by cborgia (Member # 9389) on :
I like this pretty well as it is, but I'd work on the precision of my language a bit. To make the first sentence clear I might say something like 'stared uneasily into the business end of the optical cavity'; it lets you keep the 'optical cavity' while fitting into your voice. I might also choose a different name for your weapon. If this is a Toolek (whoever they are) weapon, I doubt they'd name it Renegade unless the speak English. You could have some fun with it. In the second para, the first sentence makes the tourists sound a little like handkerchiefs.I'd be inclined to have the tourists herded rather than waved (moo). I'd be willing to wait to find out what happened on the dreaded Q7 moon.
