Hatrack River Writers Workshop: When Magic Dies First 13

This is topic When Magic Dies First 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Okay, here's the first 13 of my WIP that I started, while I am letting THE SHE-DEVIL simmer a little before revisions.

“I am just saying; hard work and no fun make Caleh a dull Magister.” Gav’s voice rang in the prison cell as he drove the stake through the witch’s hand. She screamed and jerked, making the chain that held her jangle, as if cackling in mockery. “You got to enjoy your work, for you see, my dear Magister, I am an artist. The human body is my canvas.”
Caleh knew Gav from the time when he used to teach at the University. The boy was a mediocre apprentice at best, but at least he had found fulfillment as the God Emperor’s torturer.
“The stoicism of your kind never ceases to amaze me.” Caleh said to the witch in the tone he used with wayward students, back in the day. “I will not say it again. Give me your rune.” A warm ball of spittle hit Caleh’s cheek. It dribbled down to

Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :

Hi,

I would avoid modern anachronisms and trite sayings in a fantasy setting. I found I was put off against your first sentence: “I am just saying; hard work and no fun make Caleh a dull Magister.”

The rest was fine (I especially like the initmation of "Torture" being a "university" course) except I believe the subject has been overdone.

Have you read Gene Wolfe's The Shadow of the Torturer?
Probably the best modern depiction of the cliche of the Torturer as artist, and Torture as a specialty guild.
I'm afraid this has spoiled me for anyone else's attempt.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :

quote:
“I am just saying; hard work and no fun make Caleh a dull Magister.” Gav’s voice rang in the prison cell as he drove the stake through the witch’s hand. She screamed and jerked, making the chain that held her jangle, as if cackling in mockery. “You got to enjoy your work, for you see, my dear Magister, I am an artist. The human body is my canvas.”
Caleh knew Gav from the time when he used to teach at the University. The boy was a mediocre apprentice at best, but at least he had found fulfillment as the God Emperor’s torturer.
“The stoicism of your kind never ceases to amaze me.” Caleh said to the witch in the tone he used with wayward students, back in the day. “I will not say it again. Give me your rune.” A warm ball of spittle hit Caleh’s cheek. It dribbled down to

The first line (that Dr. Bob referenced) sets the tone of this short story as being campy (like Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness). Not sure if that is what you are going for. Shadow of the Torturer is THE novel that confirmed my desire to write, though I know it is impossible for me to reach such heights.

Also, there may be an excess of *telling* in the first 13 ("Caleh knew Gav from the time he used to teach at the University"; "Caleh said to the witch in the tone he used with wayward students, back in the day.")

Criticisms aside, I like your writing, where you start in the story and the premise thus far. Good start and with the comments you receive here, I'm sure you'll have a solid hook.

***

P.S. Dr. Bob: I am 3/4 of the way through GW's Peace right now. The vignettes are somewhat coming together and I am enjoying it immensely.

Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

Has anybody ever read Sword-Edged Blond? If you're going for a more serious fantasy story, then you might avoid anachronisms. But hey, it's your story, your voice. I liked it.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Definitely have a voice. I don't have a problem with fantasy mixing with contemporary speech (Hercules, Xena, and a ton of books do the same.)
You might want to find another title for the God Emperor (makes me hear "of Dune" each time I read it.)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Yeah, I did a torturer intro once. Never heard of the Gene Wolfe one, though.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum11/HTML/003007.html

Posted by melindabrasher (Member # 9373) on :

I like what I see of the character of the torturer, but there were too many characters thrown at me at once--or two many names. Are Caleh, Gav, and the witch all separate? And Gav is the torturer? And Caleh is the Magister? Try not to use two names/nicknames/titles for one person in the first page. It makes your readers want to either quit or stop to write character lists, neither of which is good for hooking the reader. I figured out who was who and who was saying what after a second reading, but you never want to make your readers read something twice.

There's a bit of pronoun confusion, which is related to the above problem. example: "Caleh knew Gav from the time when he used to teach at the University." On first reading, I read that Gav had been a teacher at the University. The next sentence clears it up, but by then I've already formulated my mental image.

That said, I think it's got nice voice and imagery, and I'm intrigued by the characters. I haven't read the book referenced above, but it will be quite interesting if we end up sympathizing with a torturer.

Posted by Smiley (Member # 9379) on :

Ooh, here I thought Gav was the name of the witch. I'm so confused.

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

Thanks everyone.

I haven't read THE SHADOW OF THE TORTURER, but I heard of it a couple of times.