Art was taking Ginger for her evening walk the night they found the man. Being a Collie, she'd always obeyed well from the time she was just a pup. They headed down Sheldon Street just like any other day. Ginger was panting along, grinning from ear to ear. They passed Dead Man's Hill and immediately she began sniffing the air in the direction of the massive hill. Before Art could do anything to stop her, she nearly drug him up the hill, barking the entire way.
"Ginger," he said. Art's age swollen hand let loose, and Ginger, free of his grip, ran upward, leaving him to fall at the edge of the hill. When she came to a spot about three fourths of the way up, her leash dangling behind her, she sniffed the ground with the intensity of a cocaine addict.
[This message has been edited by bobbyshane (edited February 06, 2011).]
Also the cocaine addict simile doesn't quite work for me.
Edited to remove spelling mistakes.
[This message has been edited by Foste (edited February 06, 2011).]
quote:
Before Art could do anything to stop her, she nearly drug him up the hill...
Um... one solid correction with the leash and even an untrained dog is stopped. Either the dog is untrained or the owner doesn't know the basics.
Also, she nearly dragged him up the hill, not drug.
I think you're trying to show us that the distraction was so drastic that it made this nice dog misbehave, but it doesn't actually work that way. However, if the two of 'em are out for a casual stroll, dog off-lead and being allowed to sniff and wander (which for a trained dog is done under command, not just because it wants to) then the dog bounding up the hill and finding something fascinating would work.
And wouldn't perpetuate the irritating stereotype of the poorly trained dog (which in today's world of never applying any *gasp* discipline is starting to be taken as "how it should be" much to the detriment of both dogs and children).
BTW heavy-duty sniffing like that happens because either 1) the dog can't locate what it smells because it's hidden or buried, OR 2) it has a poor nose and can't identify what it smells.
Now.. ahem! This is supposed to be about the writing... we'll pretend I didn't see the dog being naughty. <g> The picture is fairly strong but the presentation is a little clunky, such as
quote:
They passed Dead Man's Hill and immediately she began sniffing the air in the direction of the massive hill.
This kinda double-describes stuff -- we're pointed at the hill TWICE in that sentence. I might try something more like
quote:
As they passed the dark bulk of Dead Man's Hill, Ginger's nose came up to sniff the air.
Similarly, you've got excess words in
quote:
Before Art could do anything to stop her, she nearly drug [er, dragged] him up the hill...
Now, if she finds a body, or an unconscious person, I'll be disappointed, because that's been done a thousand times. Hopefully she'll find something more interesting. A zombie at the very least.
Funny you should mention that Reziac... they do find a living person... but deeply buried, very conscious, and unable to speak. And my experience with pure breds verses mutts gave me the impression that pure bred are usually more easily trained and obedient hence attributing such to being a collie. The main point was to show how uncommon her behavior was which I apparently didn't pull off very well. I wonder does the fact that she behaved so abnormal because she knew a man was in danger change any of the behavioral problems for you Reziac?
I'll have to take a good look at this one and decide if it's worth it to mess with. Thanks guys.
In general, a hunting breed is more likely to notice a misplaced scent, like a buried person. (My Labs can pinpoint a beer can that's been 2 feet down for a decade... a recently buried human would be an easy find.) However most dogs are attracted to newly-disturbed earth regardless of what's down there, and a terrier will dig like a backhoe at the least excuse.
You are correct that in general, purebreds are easier to train -- having been largely selected for their ability to learn to work with man, one way or another. Also more likely to have a sensible reaction to something off-kilter, in that it's liable to trigger a bred-for instinct. (Mutts are likely to have a conflicting mess of instincts, thus uncertain reactions, and can be harder to read when they do react.)
Otherwise... putting this story to sleep might be a trifle premature <g> ...what philocinemas said. A living person, aware but unable to respond, *how* deeply buried in this rusty capsule? That's actually interesting!
(And makes me wonder... Is the capsule rusty due to age or due to conditions it's endured? did someone's "time capsule" get out of hand?!)
Is the story about Art, or about the buried person?
Anyway, give it another try... sounds like the concept might be fine, minus the distractions.
As a nit, you say "the night they found the man", but "like any other day." Inconsistent.
Reziac, since you know so much about canine behavior and so forth, have you ever considered writing a story from a dog’s POV?
If you want realism, there's an awful lot of butt-sniffing, poop-eating, leg-lifting, humping whatever stood still for two seconds and chasing whatever didn't. (And the girls are WAAAY worse about all that than the boys could ever hope to be! I had one who was a monogamous lesbian... 24 hours a day if she could manage it. <looking over fence> And we won't even discuss what Docker and Faro do with each other all day long!!)
Seriously, they think exactly like a 5 year old child, and about very nearly the same things (including stuff like playing with bugs for hours on end, or spending hours hoping that tumbleweed will blow close enough to the fence to grab). That can be interesting to shape (train) but it makes lousy fiction... unless you anthropormorphize 'em, and then they're ... furries??!
As to such anthro'd stuff, I cannot tell you how much I hate that... it has helped generate this "pets are children" mentality that is ultimately going to destroy your right to own a pet.
[This message has been edited by Reziac (edited February 08, 2011).]
However, Dean Koontz has written some from a dog's viewpoint. I haven't read the material myself but I'm curious to at some point.
As for the story. I agree with a lot of the comments. The cocaine sniffing thing I found descriptive and kinda funny. The one thing that was a small flag. This appears to be a normal route, but I get the sense from the title that the pod has been there a while. Might be an assumption, but it seemed a little odd to me.