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[This message has been edited by Josephine Kait (edited June 20, 2011).]
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I prefer the 3rd version, and it could all come down to "The bastards had taken her baby sister down that stinking hole", which feels like it has some real emotion in it. It also will allow you to drop "It certainly smelled like it", which becomes unnecessary. I would also change "and" to "as they" in:
quote:The Mouth of Hell, the locals called it and made a sign against evil.
, which feels a bit awkward to me.
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
I also prefer the third version, I think it has more passion and vitality to it.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
I third the third.
Comments:
quote:Rachel’s gut clenched as she peered into the black maw at her feet. The Mouth of Hell,[should be in quotes without comma] the locals called it and made a sign against evil. It certainly smelled like it. She gulped down a breath and tasted acrid sulfur. The bastards had taken her baby sister down that stinking hole.[I understand the pun, but I'm not a big fan of that adjective] She considered each track that had led her here, searching without hope for any reason not to step off this cliff. No, there was no mistake. Her mind fixed on her sister, but her body betrayed her. Muscles locked with visceral fear. Knees turned to jelly. She checked her harness, lines, gear, and weapons. Pulse pounding [,] she recited her mantra. I will not fear… She cast her eyes to the heavens, drank in the open sky, and prayed it wouldn’t be for the last time. Then she stepped off the edge.
You made some good changes, especially the varied sentence structure. I wouldn't suggest any new big changes. However, be careful how you handle the backstory. I still see a flashback coming, and if you do it too early, the story will be shot down. Let me know when you are done with it, and maybe we can trade (mine is slow going right now).
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
Third one is the best one.
Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :
I fourth the third. I think it's clearer what happened to the sister in this version ("that's where the bastards had taken her" confused me as to whether the sister or the POV character had been taken there). I also like that I get her name right away.
quote:"The Mouth of Hell, the locals called it and made a sign against evil."
This sentence reads awkwardly to me...I'm wanting a comma after "called it" and to repeat "they" ("...called it, and they made...") or "as they made" instead of "and made" ("...called it as they made..."), or maybe even "...called it, making a sign..."
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
3rd, definitely. It's going somewhere.
1st and 4th have the same telly problems, just rearranged. 2nd is better but not there yet. 3rd is down to minor details others noted, but otherwise, it's much more immediate and with purpose in the action.
Posted by Josephine Kait (Member # 8157) on :
Thanks guys! I feel a little better knowing I was headed in the right direction. Now I just have to finish the story! I'll post when I've got it ready, to see if there are any takers for crits.
I'll post when I've got it ready, to see if there are any takers for crits.