I was bored on my bus ride so I wrote this and more. Its a concept I kinda want to expand upon. Not sure if its intresting though. Basic idea is that the older guy is going to train the younger in interesting ways and maybe have epic boss fight. IDRK yet it's all up in the air.
For others this McDonalds was packed full. They felt like sardines. The lines and walkways were currents in an ocean of melancholy. He was different. He knew that they were there. Even that they bumped into him. But it didn't bother him. They saw him as another sardine. He saw himself as a hidden shark, ready to tear them apart if the slightest urge occurred to him. The truth was somewhere in the middle.
Under the 13 but it makes the most sense. Titled Warlock in McDonalds. For the epic juxtaposition. He didn't like among so many normals. He begrudged them that name. He was superior in every way but was abnormal simply because they numbered more. However, he was here to see one like him.
Probably a little over but
Posted by jamangan (Member # 9422) on :
The idea is interesting, certainly one everyone can relate to. I like the juxtaposition, but I found it difficult to follow. I had to read it a couple times and still don't feel certain I know what you mean. If the title didn't explain what he was I wouldn't have known he was a warlock rather than, say, a mafia member.
The 'oceans of melancholy' sentence is poetic, but feels out of place in the narrative.
With a little refining, I think it's got potential.
Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :
I agree the Ocean of melancholy seemed out of place to the rest of the narrative.
Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :
When I'm at work, there are several engineers who like to try and make analogies to explain a problem. Sometimes when they finish explaining this long-winded analogy, I think to myself, why didn't you just explain the actual problem? It's not hard to understand.
I tell that anecdote because I felt the likening of a crowded McDonalds to a can of sardines and then the shark in the ocean too much. The valuable space in the first 13 is crowded with metaphors that don't really give me a stronger picture of what is happening. Also, "packed like sardines" is a bit of a cliche, which immediately loses its literary value for me -- others may disagree.
There is a hook in there somewhere -- we are introduced to a character who isn't bothered by something that would bother many. And then we have knowledge that if he were bothered, he could wreak havoc upon them. So I believe you could very well be starting in the right place.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
I agree with what has been said above. In opening lines, clarity is the best hook. Poetic lines and description have less of an impact than character and story. One thing that I noticed was that you are using omnicient 3rd POV (the narrator knows everyone's thoughts). This is not typically used for short stories. Even novels do not use this very often anymore, except for some literary fiction. Try writing more character-specific and make the story your hook.
Posted by Reziac (Member # 9345) on :
quote:When I'm at work, there are several engineers who like to try and make analogies to explain a problem. Sometimes when they finish explaining this long-winded analogy, I think to myself, why didn't you just explain the actual problem? It's not hard to understand.
I do the same thing. It probably means those engineers are secretly SF/F writers. After all, isn't that a fair description of what we do?
Posted by Montag (Member # 9421) on :
TBH it says warlock in the next paragraph. And I agree that its difficult to follow. I'm trying to work on that bc names are never really used until late.
