Everyone stopped, ears alert but faces slack. The wind howled around the house, though it could not mask the sound of doom approaching via tank tread.
“They’ve come,” I said, meeting Charlie’s grey eyes.
My words spurred him to action. He came around the table and seized my hand. Turning, he pulled me towards the east hall. “Maddy, come with me. James, take the children upstairs but keep them away from the windows. Start getting bags together then pick a room and stay in it,” he said over his shoulder.
“I can help,” James said, standing up at the kitchen table. The plates of pancakes and sausages shook with his sudden movement.
“No. You can’t. Go with the others. If things go wrong…” Charlie didn’t need to finish. We all knew what would happen if the Loyalists got through the front door.
This is much better. A few nits:
quote:
The wind howled around the house, though it could not mask the sound of doom approaching via tank tread.
There is a small sequence problem with your third paragraph. It appears as if Charlie is already pulling Maddy (POV character) along when he says, "Maddy, come with me." I would suggest separating this sentence from the rest of the dialogue by putting it directly after the "My words..." sentence. You can use the sentence tags (said) if you want, but they are usually unnecesary as long as you make it clear which character is acting within the paragraph.
I got real hung up on "ears alert".
Because this happens so early, I don't yet know that this isn't a story about ears.
Can ears be alert?
Are these folks elves?
If there's any other way to say this, please do.
A face can be slack, but an ear can't be alert. The person who the ears belong to can be alert, on high alert, or become alert/more aware/focused.
Axe