Crits on first 13 (or if you want to read the whole thing) are welcome.
quote:
Larkin waits. He sits beneath the shade of the veranda as the sun's warmth bends around the eaves overhead and melts the ice of his lemonade. He takes a sip and the cold liquid refreshes him. The shrinking ice cubes kiss his lips and remind him of home, far from the grasp of the hostile sun.He hears the familiar sound of an electric motor whirring from down the street. Villanova approaches in his motorized chair, wheels spinning as fast as the turbine fan blades of their starship. He stops in front of a street vendor and turns around, waiting. A man with a grease-stained apron runs toward him, brandishing a frying pan like a tomahawk. His dark-skinned face scowls with fury. Larkin doesn't flinch.
Your writing is refined. I had no problem with the mechanics of the 13.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what's going on. Also, the clash of locations makes me go huh? And the present tense is tough. Not because you didn't write it well - but because I'm not used to it. I believe synopsises are written that way. Personally, I find it difficult and distracting.
Nits:
Grasp of the hostile sun. To grasp something is to hold it. How is he being held by the sun? If he's in his ship and in its gravity well or something, okay. If not, grasp may not be the right word.
Villanova approaches. This early I'd like to know who Villanova is. I think it's okay to say "his friend Villanova," or "the ship's pilot, Villanova."
Villanova approaches and I expect them to meet, then Villanova stops in front of a street vendor. I had the MC alone based on the pace of the first paragraph. He's chillin with some summery lemonade and taking his time doing it. (based on the melting ice comment) Where do street vendors fit in? This is the odd juxtaposition I refer to in my first paragraph.
Someone's going to kill Villanova with a frying pan? There's fury, but I don't know why so I don't yet care. However, I do care that Larkin is going to watch someone who is handicapped and can't defend himself get whacked and not do anything about it.
This makes me not like Larkin. Good characterization if that's what you were going for.
Granted, I don't know the next few lines. All this could get sorted out - but these are my impressions off the bat.
Axe
quote:- clear that up and it looks like an interesting start. Aside from the confusion, you have the introduction of 2 important characters, the knowledge that a starship is/was involved, and a manifest threat - hooky enough for me.
He (obviously Larkin) hears the familiar sound of an electric motor whirring from down the street. Villanova approaches in his motorized chair, wheels spinning as fast as the turbine fan blades of their starship. He stops in front of a street vendor and turns around, waiting. A man with a grease-stained apron runs toward him, brandishing a frying pan like a tomahawk. His (whose? Villanova, or the wielder of the frying pan of doom?) dark-skinned face scowls with fury. Larkin doesn't flinch. (to me, if Larkin doesn't flinch, it suggests that the attack might actually be against Larkin instead of Villanova)
quote:
The coolness of the drink in his hand reminded him of home, far away from the hostile sun of this world.
I'd be happy to look at the whole thing.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 02, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 02, 2011).]
I think I have one more draft left to get this in order.
Thank you!