Hi. Again, not sure if this the right way to do this but I posted the first 13 in a different post and am wondering if anybody was willing to read the whole story?
I'll put the first 13 again as it's changed since my last post:
Perhaps a country without folk? Solitary islands. Adrift, alone? He would kill them all if he could. - Anon
Hope is a tickle in the heart. The promise that somebody, somewhere will want you though nobody ever will. Because it must be that every man has a place in the universe. That's what I believe. Doc shatters my faith with a verbal blow. “No,” he says, simple word which makes me want to flee his office. “At least, not until you prove yourself.” I breathe again. So it's not impossible. He just wants to come off hard-edged. Tough. Doc takes a sip of coffee as dark as he is, a man sporting that eroded look common in weather-beaten migrants to alien climes. "Initiation into the colony is .......
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
I will look at it. I liked your original opening much, MUCH better. I'm not a big fan of poetry at the beginning of a short story - the space is prime realestate and the short lines (of another's work no less) tend to gum-up everything. I firmly believe editors want to see your work (but not your poetry either) in the opening lines.
Send it to me, but PLEASE consider going back to the original opening!!! The last line was my only real objection to that start.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
I'll read
Posted by Arnen123 (Member # 9428) on :
Oh, I should have mentioned that it's not a quotation from another person's work. Totally fictional words of my own devising. Any tips for making that more clear?
Posted by Wordcaster (Member # 9183) on :
I agree with philo. Your previous entry was much stronger. This doesn't flow as well and has abstract concepts instead of concrete description and dialog.
Posted by Arnen123 (Member # 9428) on :
Hmm,
Just to clarify, is it just the first few lines that are the problem or the entire 13 lines?
I've actually found a better place for the opening quotation (or made up quotation) at the end of the story and will probably move it there.
Posted by Arnen123 (Member # 9428) on :
Also, After reading the previous feedback for my first 13 lines, I've reverted the intro back to what it was except I've changed the last few lines.
I won't post it as I'm still not sure what constitutes 13 lines exactly. My last post was edited so my idea of 13 lines is probably not correct.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
This topic is intended to help you figure out whether you've posted 13 lines or not.