Original --- Sarah was bent over, breathing hard, sweat beginning to seep between the bones of her corset. Anna had lied about the ball being in the country. Yes, the breeze was free of the shackles of smoke and city soot, but there were no tame pastoral views bordered by knee-high pebbly walls. Here there was no view, only darkness and the sound of the wind nuzzling up against the moss-bearded trees. This was not the country; this was the woods. "Sarah! It's just up ahead." One of Anna's small hands emerged from the shadows to grab the edge of Saraha's sleeve, and the wood turned into color.
-- CURRENT EDIT Sweat seeped between the bones of Sarah's corset as she bent over, gasping. Anna had lied about the dance being in the country. Yes, the breeze was free of the shackles of smoke and city soot, but there were no tame pastoral views bordered by knee-high pebbly walls. There was no view at all, only darkness and the ancient banter between tree and wind. This was not the country; this was the wood.
"Sarah! It's just up ahead." One of Anna's small hands emerged from the shadows to grab the edge of Sarah's sleeve, and their madcap dash resumed.
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 13, 2011).
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 13, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 13, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 14, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 14, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 14, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 14, 2011).]
Posted by mrmeadors (Member # 6378) on :
I believe we've been cut off just when it was getting good . The writing of these lines seems fine, I just have 2 comments.
1) Sarah was bent over--just sounds slightly weak for the opening line of a story. I would try to avoid the "to be" verb in that sentence, and try to figure out a way to word it so it is a bit more active.
2) this one is nit-picky, but the phrase where she can hear the wind nuzzling the trees, the word nuzzle seems a little off to me. It just isn't what I imagine the sound would be like.
The end leaves me intrigued: why colors?
Keep it up, good luck!
M
Posted by sfedders (Member # 9448) on :
Sweat began to seep between the bones of Sarah's corset as she bent over to take in deep gasps of air. Anna had lied about the ball being in the country. Yes, the breeze was free of the shackles of smoke and city soot, but there were no tame pastoral views bordered by knee-high pebbly walls. Here there was no view, only darkness and the ancient banter between tree and wind. This was not the country; this was the wood. "Sarah! It's just up ahead." One of Anna's small hands emerged from the shadows to grab the edge of Sarah's sleeve, and their madcap dash resumed. -- Thanks for the comments. When I said the word turned to colors, I meant it as a description of their running resuming, but I see now that it wasn't super clear that they had been running in the first place, so I think changing it makes sense.
If anyone is interested in reading it, I would love some feedback it's approx 5k at the moment.
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 14, 2011).]
Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :
Ooh, I do like it. I agree with the previous poster, that your hook is quite solid and leaves me feeling that we're just getting to the good part.
I like the changes you made, too. To further mrmeadors' comment on keeping the first line as active as possible--I'd suggest nixing the "began to" and just go with "Sweat seeped." We don't need the "beginning" of sweat, anyway. We only see the resulting damp clothing, not the initial departure from the pores.
I particularly like the little mental diatribe against Anna's claim that this could in any way resemble "the country" . . . simultaneously gives me the setting/era, and a bit of Sarah's personality. I wouldn't mind giving the whole text a gander if you wanted . . . feel free to email me.
Posted by Arnen123 (Member # 9428) on :
I liked it quite a bit. Only thing confusing for me was the ball. I immediately pictured a "beach ball" not a "dancing ball". Also, not sure if it's just me but there appear to be weird characters in your post. The part where I assume they are running somewhere has '”' and the trademark (tm) logo for some reason, so i can't tell what's going on at the end.
Posted by sfedders (Member # 9448) on :
Sweat seeped between the bones of Sarah's corset as she bent over, gasping. Anna had lied about the dance being in the country. Yes, the breeze was free of the shackles of smoke and city soot, but there were no tame pastoral views bordered by knee-high pebbly walls. There was no view at all, only darkness and the ancient banter between tree and wind. This was not the country; this was the wood.
"It's just up ahead." One of Anna's small hands emerged from the shadows to grab the edge of Sarah's sleeve, and their madcap dash resumed.
-- Good comment Arnen, on the difference between dance and ball. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 15, 2011).]
Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :
I'd be happy to read it and give you some feedback.
Posted by sfedders (Member # 9448) on :
Okay sent it both your way. In case anyone's curious the plot of the story is as follows:
The Gods have been dead for thousands of years, or so Sarah and Anna thought until they stumbled upon a strange ball in the woods. It turns out that the Gods are alive though not quite well, and they have need of Sarah and Anna. If Sarah can have her way they won't stick around long enough to find out why it is that Gods are so interested in them.
It's a paranormal romance, which I originally wrote as a reinterpretation of Pride and Prejudice for English class ((with Anna and Sarah being the equivalent of Darcy and Bingely)), but am now trying to change it into a full-length short story. It's about 4k atm, not five, and I think I'm about a third of the way through.
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 15, 2011).]
. The writing of these lines seems fine, I just have 2 comments.